Sunday, December 26, 2010

Christmas is over

We had a good Christmas. The kids were very excited about it so that helped. If it wasn't for them I don't think I would have put up a tree or anything.

It's been a tough day for me. I skipped church and have basically laid around the house all day. I do that every once in a while, somedays I just can't be bothered to get dressed and get out of the house and deal with people. Ok, so I'm dressed, but not for public viewing. :) I'm in my flannel pants and t-shirt.

The headstone was set Thursday. I went out to see it and it was NOT what I was expecting. I'm not sure if it's as bad as I think it is or not. I was very shocked to see how different it was that I just took a picture with my cell phone and left. It was such an emotional thing to go out there then to see it not like I was expecting just threw me for a loop. I talked it over with my mother in law and sister in law. They both see what I don't like but they both said they liked it. I don't know. I was going to try to go back out to the cemetery today but I coudn't do it yet. Plus I need to take the kids out too. I wasn't in a place mentally where I could deal with it so I didn't. It will still be there when I'm ready.

I still miss him so much it's like missing part of myself. Even now it's still hard for me to believe that this has actually happened. I think maybe I'll eventually wake up from this nightmare.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Is it getting easier?

That's what my mother in law asked me yesterday. She knows about what I'm going through. Her husband, my husband's father, died when he was 52. She was a widow at the age of 50.

My answer was oh, I guess a little. But after I've thought about it for a while my answer now is no. It's not getting easier. The first few hours, days, weeks, the first month even was just surviving. Put one foot in front of the other to make myself get out of bed, get dressed (most days), get the kids fed and loved.

Now that we've had almost 5 months of living without him, now it's really sinking in that this is forever. He's not just gone.....he's gone forever. We're not just alone......we're alone forever.

I'm realizing that it's all up to me now. If the trash needs hauled off, it's my job. I can't say, hey you need to haul the trash off. If the satellite in the bedroom quits working, I have to figure it out (which I haven't yet). I can't say hey, the TV isn't working and have him come in and fix it in one push of a button. I've pushed every damn button on the remote and still no luck.

The more time that passes the more I realize just how hard this is and will continue to be. God, I miss him so very very much. I still can't believe he's gone.

I was just thinking the other day that I feel like I'm in a state of suspended animation. Waiting. Waiting for what, I have no idea. But I'm pretty sure I won't get it whatever it is.

But, I know that we will survive this. I know plenty of women in real life and online that have been through what we are going through and have come out the other side, alive and happy. And I'm quite sure we will, too.

A friend/co-worker of mine is trapped in an unhappy, borderline abusive marriage. I would have rather had my 19 year marriage than have hers even if it lasts 80 years. I know I was blessed beyond measure to have the husband I had even if he was gone too soon. His love is still with me helping me survive this. He's still taking care of me even now in the little stuff I find everyday. Things he did that are still helping me find my way even now.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Younger, fatter, happier times

I found this picture today when I was looking for pictures for a photo book I want to make for the kids. This was a few years ago on vacation. I was way fatter then and Wes was not :)

Friday, October 29, 2010

I love this picture

I don't know why exactly but I love this picture. I found it when I got M's digital camera pictures loaded on to the camera a few weeks after dh died. It just stopped me in my tracks when I saw it.

Sunday, October 24, 2010


Well, sometime in the last few days I had a great idea for a post. Something thought provoking and poignant, I'm sure. And today? Damned if I can remember what it was. So I'll just go with a post saying I'm OK.

The kids are OK. Sometimes I worry that they are too OK. Is that possible? I've tried to keep life as much the same as I can for them. We still tease, we still laugh, we still watch our favorite shows on tv.

I worry that I've done too good of a job on that. Neither one of them really talk about him at all. If I bring him up they will smile about a fun memory or say they miss him if I say it first. But they never bring him up first.

I'm going to have them both talk to the school counselor. At least once to make sure they are not having problems that I can't see. I talked to both of their teachers at parent teacher conferences Friday and neither one of them have noticed any problems at school. Both kids are getting A's and B's and have not behavior problems in the class room.

M's teacher told me something she had overheard at the beginning of the year. A friend of M asked her how things were at her house since her dad was gone. M answered "my mom makes it ok". I hope she's right.

Monday, October 18, 2010


Have you ever laid in the bathtub while the water was draining out? Stayed in until the water was completely gone? You feel like you weigh a thousand pounds. Like there is a force pushing you down and it's hard to get up. Like gravity is 10 times as strong holding you down.

Yeah, I've decided that's what grief feels like. Some days I feel like I'm being crushed with the weight of it and if I laid down it would be next to impossible to get back up.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

A break from the usual

No sad depressing posts today. Why? Because today is my baby's birthday!!! His 7th birthday to be exact. I cannot believe my little baby boy is 7 *sobbing* How did my "little" 8lb 15oz baby boy get to be 7 years old already?

It seems like just yesterday I was at the dr for my weekly check when he told me I was technically in labor and I could go to the hospital if I wanted to. I called Wes to tell him so I drove back home (20 minutes away), got Wes and we got in his car, took his paycheck to the bank and drove back to the hospital. 3 hours later our perfect little baby boy was born ♥

Owen was born with a true knot in his umbilical cord! The dr. said we should name him Lucky because we could have easily lost him. But instead here I am 7 years later with my perfect freckle faced boy. My lego creating, wii playing, Scooby Doo, Transformers, Iron Man loving boy.

Happy Birthday sweetie and thanks for the birthday kiss and hug you decided to allow me this morning. I love you more than anything!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Happy Birthday

Tomorrow is Wes's 39th birthday. I think this will be worse than my 39th birthday that was a few weeks ago. I had been thinking earlier this year about how next year we would both be turning 40 and I was already planning in my head how we would have a big cookout and celebrate our birthdays with our friends and family.

I just can't believe that we won't have that together. Instead I went to town today and ordered our headstone for the cemetery. Happy Birthday honey, I got you a headstone!

I guess it's for me too since it will have my name on it as well. That is something that I kind of struggled with. I'm 39. Do I really want to go ahead and buy my headstone? But then again, I can't even imagine putting one up for him with out me being with him, too. We've been together over half our lives, it would seem like a huge betrayal to him to put up a single stone. It's always been Kim & Wes. Wes & Kim. I couldn't leave him out there alone. No way.

Wednesday, September 01, 2010


We've all seen the gag on cartoons, I'm sure. A kid gets a new bike and while riding it somehow it gets run over by a truck or street sweeper...when it comes out the other side, it's still perfect. Maybe even a little shiny-er. But when the kid goes to get on it, it collapses in to a thousand pieces.

Yeah, that's how I feel. Like a vase that's been broken and glued back together and still looks good, but will leak when it's filled with water.

I am on an overnight work trip tonight to the big city. My kids are staying with my parents. My first thought when I got to the hotel room was I gotta call Wes and tell him I made it here safely and how horrible the traffic was on the way down.

I didn't want to stay over night at all. I didn't want to leave the kids or leave the house, but I have to keep my job, don't I? I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown but I know we will probably go out to eat this evening so I have to hold it off.

So for now, I'll be the shiny bike.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

I miss him

I really, really miss him. That's all, I just miss him a lot.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


School is back in session here. The kids went back today and according to them all went well. I was a little nervous about them going back and having to possibly deal with kids asking them about their dad. Not that I thought any kids would be cruel but kids are curious and even teachers might want to give hugs and whatnot. But they both said the day went fine.

There is one problem for me, however. Bedtime. Lately, the kids and I have been staying up late. Very late. O usually fell asleep first then M and I would stay up watching tv or playing on the laptops until we, ok I, couldn't stay up any longer and then go to bed or couch. Well, last night M slept in her own bed and went to bed about 10. O also slept in his bed and went to bed a little after 10 when he got out of the shower. This left me at loose ends. I wasn't tired by any means and I hate to go in the bedroom unless I'm ready to drop. I went to bed because I didn't want to leave the tv and lights on in the living room and disturb the kids but I did not like it one bit. In fact, it was after 1 before I fell asleep and I had to get up at 6:30. That made for a long, tired day.

But yet, here I am again putting off going to bed. I hate going in there, even in the daytime but nights are the worst. Then mornings are the worst when I wake up. My SIL said recently about how she will wake up and it takes a minute to realize what's happened. Yeah, no. I wake up and the first thought I have is "he's gone". It's instant and constant and relentless.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

One month ago

One month ago today was the best day my little family had in a long, long time.

We spent the whole day together as a family. We got up and for once I didn't sleep til 11! I cooked breakfast burritos, we hung out together. The kids wanted to swim in our pool (just one of those blue pools like everyone has) so they swam. I decided to join them then Wes decided to swim too. It was a rare thing for all four of us to be in the pool together but that day we did. We played and had fun. Wes and I were flirting with each other like we always did, even snuck in a few kisses here and there.

Then we got out of the pool, got cleaned up and decided to go plan our vacation for July 23. We were going to take the train to Ft. Worth, stay a couple of days and even tour the new Dallas Cowboys stadium while we were there. We were all excited to be going to TEXAS, especially Mallory. She'd always dreamed of going to Texas :)

After planning that Wes wanted to go to a local Mexican food place for supper. This is a rare thing as Wes usually hated to go out in public. But this night it was his idea so off we went. This restaurant has been sketchy in the past but on this particular night it was delicious, the best it's been in a long time.

When we got home the kids were still in good moods, no one got in trouble for being whiny or threw any fits (even me). Owen went to bed when it was bedtime. I went and got in the tub for my standard Saturday night bathtub date with a book. Wes and Mallory stayed up late watching tv. I could hear the sound of them talking but couldn't make out any words.

Looking back, I can see how it was the absolute perfect day, full of family and love. Just the memory of it makes me smile.

Who knew that that perfect day could lead to the nightmare that was to come just a few short hours later. All day I've been thinking of what we were doing a month ago and how we only had a few hours left but we didn't know it. I'll think of how excited the kids were to get the vacation planned not knowing that we would never get to go. Or how Wes and I were sneaking kisses and touches in the pool not knowing that we would never get that chance again. We would tease the kids and kiss in front of them but if they only knew what we were doing when they weren't looking they would have really gagged :).

I love him so much and I miss him with every atom of my being. I'm so glad we had such a good last day to remember.

Friday, August 06, 2010

It's so quiet in here

The house is so quiet. Even with me and the kids along with my niece who is spending the night and the tv on a movie turned up loud enough to be heard over the very loud air conditioner unit. It's silent in here. So quiet, it's deafening.

It's like the house is empty even when it's full. A big gaping emptiness that can't be filled with anyone or anything. God, I miss him so, so much.

People say every that goes by gets easier and it might in time, but for now every day that goes by is a day that takes me farther and farther away from him. And that's so tough to face right now.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Feeling lost

I've been feeling weird all day. I finally pinpointed the feeling. Lost. Like half my body has been ripped away. Like I'm missing a limb. Lonely and lost.

I miss him so much. I lived with him in my life for 23 years and it's been 24 days without him. I think it's finally starting to sink in. First few days and even weeks I was just numb. I couldn't believe that this had happened. I still can't believe it. I feel like it can't be real, I should be waking up any minute and then I can cry and tell him about my nightmare. He can hold me while I cry and I can feel his arms around me while he tells me he would never leave me and that he loves me forever.

The more days go by the more I have to realize this is real and it's forever. God, I miss him so much. I love you Wes.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Can't turn it off

This song, especially the chorus has been stuck in my head for the last few days. I don't know why I remembered it in the first place but it's been running through my head almost constantly.

Never thought I'd be in this place
It's someone else's life I'm living
Wish I were living a lie
The hardest part is when the bough breaks
Falling down and then forgiving
You didn't kiss me good-bye
I'm choking on the words I didn't get to say
And pray I get the chance one day

I still run, I still swing open the door
I still think, you'll be there like before
Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around
Some things a heart won't listen to
I'm still holding out for you

I can hear you smile in the dark
I can even feel you breathing
But daylight chases the ghosts
I see your coat and I fall apart
To those hints of you I'm clinging
Now's when I need them most
I should get up, dry my eyes and move ahead
At least that's what you would have said

I still run, I still swing open the door
I still think, you'll be there like before
Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around
Some things a heart won't listen to
I'm still holding out for you

Faithfully, I trace your name while you sleep
It's the only true comfort I feel

I still run, I still swing open the door
I still think you'll be there like before

I still run, I still swing open the door
I still think, you'll be there like before
Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around
Some things a heart won't listen to
I'm still holding out for you

Holding out
Holding out for you

Thursday, July 22, 2010

That's how I want to go

I've always heard people say this when someone dies suddenly. I know that they mean they don't want to suffer and linger on. Of course no one wants to think that they are sick and dying for months but good hell, dying suddenly is NOT the way to go, either.

When Wes died it was sudden. He was alive one minute and dead the next. Our kids went to bed thinking everything was fine and they were woken up the next morning to the news that their Daddy died. I had to watch him dying on the bedroom floor while I cried and screamed and tried to help him. I had to watch the ambulance drivers load him up and take him out of the house. You know when the EMT give you a hug and says we're praying for you it's bad news. I had to go to the hospital and see him on the table and listen to the dr. call the time of death.

All I could do was kiss his face and whisper to him that I loved him and beg him not to leave me. But he couldn't hear me, he was already gone.

Wes and I always said "I love you". There was nothing left unsaid, ever. But damn it all to hell I would have liked to have a second to say goodbye and give the kids a chance to tell their Daddy goodbye. Even a few minutes of time would have been the greatest gift we could have been given.

Hearing people say that's how I want to go is right up there with "these things happen for a reason". They both make me want to throat punch someone. This did not happen for a reason. There are some things that I am grateful for in all this. Number one being that it was me and not one of the kids that was with him at the end. As much as I don't want to see what I saw, I would see it again a thousand times to keep my kids from seeing one second of it.

But there is no way there is a reason he died. No reason to any of this. I just want to scream at the universe......I don't want this. I refuse this, I won't accept this so make it go away.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Wondering why

Why did he have to die? Why did he have to die in front of me? Why did I have to go to the hospital and see the love of my life sprawled out dead on the table? Why did my dad have to see me saying goodbye to him? Why am I 38 and a widow? Why are my kids 11 and 6 and without a daddy? Why did I have to ask friends and family to be pall bearers? Why did I have to do laundry so he would have socks and underwear to be buried in? Why did I have to kiss him one last time before the casket was closed? Why am I going to have to take care of this place without him? Why will we not get to have a 25th or 50th wedding anniversary party? Why has my mother-in-law had to bury her only son and her husband? Why do I have to sleep alone? Why will I never get to feel his kiss or smell his scent again or feel his whiskers when I kiss his cheek? Why are there so many assholes who live forever and great guys like him die young?

Sunday, July 18, 2010

One Week

One week has passed since my world was destroyed. 7 days. Sometimes it feels like it's been 7 years and other times 7 seconds. I just can't believe that he is gone forever. He can't be gone, I'm not strong enough to get through this without him which is totally stupid because if he was here, I wouldn't be going through this, would I?

I was talking to an old high school friend this morning who had called to say how sorry he was. He told me that from the first time Wes saw me, he loved me. I can't tell you how much that meant to me to hear that. God, I love him so much.

Nighttime is the worst. The closer it gets to bedtime,the harder my heart beats and the tighter my chest gets. I did manage to sleep in bed last night. I've been sleeping on the couch and the kids are sleeping on the loveseats in living room with me, but last night I decided to try the bed and I made it all night. I hope I can do it again, sleeping on the couch just wasn't working, I needed some real sleep and I wasn't getting it on the couch.

I still can't believe that this is all true, it feels like I'm standing outside of myself and this is happening to someone else.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Don't wait

Don't wait until it's too late. Be sure to tell your family you love them. You never know when a second will pass and it will be too late. And you never get that time back.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Follow up

Well, Father's Day came and went. I didn't do anything spectacular, quite the opposite actually. I did tell him Happy Father's Day and eventually made him some breakfast burritos for supper. The kids signed a card that M had picked out and that was that.

In honor of Father's Day (only almost a week late) here is one of my very favorite pictures of him and O. I also have a favorite of him and M but in her babyhood we didn't have a digital camera so just imagine a new daddy gazing lovingly in to his baby daughters face. ♥♥

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Golden Rule

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That's the golden rule, right? I'm having a hard time with this lately. It's turning in to do unto others have they have done to you.

On Mother's Day my entire family blew me off. I got a half hearted happy mother's day. I'm having a hard time even trying to want to do anything for dh this Father's Day. It's in a few days and I really haven't even put any effort in to thinking of what to get dh. I try to treat him how I want to be treated but I swear sometimes it's an effort. But I really don't want to fall in to that rut. I think that's a dangerous path to get on in a marriage, pretty soon you both end up treating each other like crap.

So I'll just keep on keeping on...fake it 'til I make it. I'm sure I'll end up doing something for Father's Day and it will be fantastic and he will love it. Or not.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010


Well, the day I've been dreading for about 5 years has finally happened. The people who own the land across the road from us have started building their house. WHY?????

Why do they have to build by us? They have an entire mile and hundreds of acres to choose from but yet, they decide to build across the road from us.

If I wanted to have neighbors I'd live in fricking town. God, this really pisses me off and I just want to lay down and scream and kick and throw a huge tantrum.

I'm trying to find some positive thoughts about it and the only one I can come up with is at least we know they are nice, normal people. Not meth heads that we would need to be scared of. And they are older but still young enough to live there for probably a long time so they won't be selling to anyone any time soon.

But still!!! Waaaaaaaaaaaah. I don't like this, not one bit.

Friday, June 04, 2010

Friday Photo

Here's one I haven't done for a long time. Friday Photo!! This is the view basically from my front door. This was taken a year or so ago but it's the same really. Maybe a little more green in this picutre as it looks like it was after a rain.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Let the summer begin!

We put up our pool yesterday. The kids were going crazy asking when we were going to put it up and yesterday dh agreed to do it so up it went. It wasn't too bad putting it up, nothing like last year. Last year we had to put down the sand pad and make sure it was level. This year we had the pad so we just had to smooth out the top and we were good to go.

It filled up over night, dh got up at 2 and turned the water off. He said the birds and the frogs were going crazy at 2 am. I love to sit outside and listen to the birds and frogs but not at 2 am!! There seems to be a lot of frogs at the pond this year if the noise level is anything to go by. They seem extra noisy this year.

Back to the pool. It filled up over night and was freezing this morning! I couldn't even put my hand in the water. Of course the kids were chomping at the bit to go in. Brother got in while me and sister went to town to buy swimming suits. They both got in this evening but it was still too cold for me. I don't like cold water LOL.

So I guess this is the official start of the summer at the happy town household.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

If I don't go to bed...

I won't have to get up tomorrow, right? I usually end up messing around and staying up late on Sunday's getting laundry done. Well, tonight I actually have clean clothes for everyone to wear tomorrow but I still don't want to go to bed. I hate Monday's and I'm trying to delay it as long as possible. Real smart, right?

The kids both start summer school tomorrow. Not because they are struggling in school but for fun. Our school has 2 weeks after school is out that they focus on reading and math. They make it really fun for the kids and it's only til noon everyday.

But instead going to bed because I need to get up earlier than usual, I'm staying up late playing on the interwebs. And now CSI:NY is on and I love this show but if I watch the whole thing I'll be up til 11:30 which is actually not as late as I thought. Hmmmm, that's only 30 more minutes. I might just stay up anyway.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


They grow up so fast! Yes, it's cliche, but it's true. It seems like just yesterday that my sister called me to tell me I was going to be an aunt. I was so surprised it took me a minute to even figure out what she was talking about. What? Who? Oh! mean you are having a baby!

And Saturday morning that baby graduated from High School! Wow, my little baby nephew is 17 (18 in a little more than a month) and is a high school graduate. I can't believe it. He's such a great kid. Funny, talented...he plays guitar, not that I've ever heard him play!, compassionate...he got a "red cord" to wear with his graduation robe for donating a certain amount of blood during his high school career and he also has gone on several mission trips with a friends church.

I'm very proud of him and I know he will go far in life once he figures out what he wants to do and gets a chance to be on his own.

The same time my nephew is graduating from high school MY baby is graduating from Kindergarten! How the heck did that happen?!?! My baby was only born like yesterday and now he's already 6. At his little graduation ceremony they had on the wall "Class of 2022" Whoa! That was a shock seeing that! I figured it out and I'll be 50 when he graduates from high school! LOL

Sister is getting ready to be in 7th grade when school starts back in August so in just two years she'll be graduating from 8th grade. *sob* I wish I could grab time and just slow it down a little.

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Happy Mother's Day to me

I woke up today with a smile thinking of the Mother's Day breakfast in bed my kids (mostly dd) always fix me. I waited and waited but then couldn't wait any longer becuase I needed to take a shower and get ready for church. So I took my shower then made a lot of noise so they would know I was up and about. I heard the microwave so I was thinking that breakfast was coming. I go in the living room and see dd on the computer, ds playing with his toys and dh making himself breakfast.

Wow, thanks everybody. Once again I come in last around here. I get a half hearted "happy mother's day" from my kids after they heard someone on the news mention it was Mother's Day. Nothing special. No papers made at school, nothing made at home. Just a whine that they had to stop what they were doing to get ready for church.

I've been trying not to cry all day and right now I'm not having much success at that. Sorry to be such a downer, I just needed to get this out and I know if I say anything to anyone at home, I'll just get even more upset.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Back on the wagon

Well, tomorrow I will be getting back on the exercise wagon. I had an unexpected detour thanks to 3 days of.......shall we say....intestinal troubles. I started feeling a little gurgley in the tummy region Thursday night and all hell broke loose (no pun intended) after that. Oh my!! I was never far from the bathroom, but I did manage to lose 7 pounds!

I am finally feeling much, much better today. Back to normal, really. So tomorrow morning it's back to the grind.

Yes, I could have probably worked out today but I just didn't want to! It was my uncle's funeral today and I had to help with the dinner at church. I picked my mom up at 10:15 this morning and we got home at 20 til 5 this evening. What a long day! I was glad to be able to help out though. This was an uncle by marriage I guess you would say. He was married to my dad's sister who died about 25 years ago. Wow, has it been that long? I think she died in 85 so yes, I think it has been. But, he was my uncle when I was born and his kids are my cousins so he's still my uncle now. It wasn't unexpected as he'd been going downhill fast with Alzheimer's but still it's sad for his kids and grand kids to know that he's gone.

Then tonight at 7 was 8th grade graduation at my kids school. I don't have a kid in the 8th grade (yet! in 2 years I will) But I am on the board so I got to hand out the diplomas. Congratulations and handshakes all around!! Congratulations to the graduating class of 2010.

So all in all, it was a very long day. And with that I believe I will put the kids clothes in the dryer and head off to bed!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Day two also a success!

I made it up again this morning to workout!! And it was hard, it was freezing in our house and I just wanted to crawl even deeper under the covers but I didn't. I got up and got going!! Woo-hoo for me! I guess I got warm by getting my blood pumping.

It got down in the mid thirites last night so it was freaking cold in our house. We turned the heater off.....hello! it's the end of April, it's not supposed to be cold. We were even under a frost advisory last night but at least all I have planted in my garden is onions. I don't think the frost would hurt the onions. Now a freeze that's a different story but a frost should be ok.

And in other exciting news.....I'm getting a haircut tomorrow!!! The first time I've had my hair cut since October. It's long. And shapeless. And long. I don't mind the length in the back it's the stupid bangs past my chin that I can't stand.

This is me in February...

This is me now....

So you can see how much it's grown in a few months. And embarassingly enough I believe I have the same shirt on. LOL I guess I need to go shopping.

Monday, April 26, 2010

I did it!

I actually got up 30 minutes early this morning and worked out!! First time EVER! And it wasn't that hard, really. Of course the fact that I am agonizing about something at work and not sleeping well might have helped. But when I worry about stuff and cant' sleep I usually manage to fall in to a deep sleep about 10 minutes before the alarm goes off.

Anyway, I'm excited about the fact that I actually got up and exercised voluntarily. On my own. Go me.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Trying again

Well, I posted a while back about trying to go a week without spending any unnecessary money. I did great that week and ok the next but completely went off the deep end the weeks after that. Any my bank account shows it. So, I'm trying again. Starting tomorrow I'm going this next week without spending any money. Except essentials of course. And no, stopping at the golden arches is not an essential no matter how hungry I am LOL. My bowl of cereal at home will work just fine, thank you.

I'm also trying to get back on my workout routine. I did great then slowed down then quit all together. Huh, that's the story of my life on most things. But I just did a workout and have changed my alarm in the morning so I can get up and do it first thing. We'll see how that goes. I hate with the intensity of a thousand suns getting up early. And early to me is before.....oh, say....9 LOL That doesn't work out most days as I have to be at work at 9. But on the weekends oh how I love to sleep in! And thank God I was blessed with kids that also love to sleep in. Also a husband that gets up "early" and lets me sleep in on Saturday.

I really do love him. Sometimes he drives me up the wall but listening to someone I know talk to her husband on the phone the other day just made me appreciate my hubby even more. Her husband is an arrogant jerk and I really can't stand him.

Anyway, wish me luck on my money purging or fasting I guess you could call it. It's a cleanse for money instead of food.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Perfect day

Today was a perfect day. We spent time together as a family outside. Not doing much of anything just being together. We did move the pile of junk to a better spot in the yard so you can't see it from the road. We all helped pile stuff on the trailer so it could be moved. Then when it was time to unload the trailer, brother says Well, I'll be in the house and off he went!! LOL He stayed inside for about 15 minutes while me and dh unloaded the trailer. And of course, by saying that dh and I did it, I really mean that dh did 90% of the work and I did 10%. While we worked sister laid on the end of the trailer and soaked up the sun.

Speaking of sun, I am a true redneck now after the sunburn I got today.LOL

But the point is that it was so nice to be together today and to be outside in the fresh air. It was a little windy but without the wind it would have been way too hot.

Now we are inside since the sun went down and we are spending some quality family time watching "Tommy Boy". I love that movie..........What'd you do???? Ah.... that never gets old.

Friday, March 26, 2010

That's not funny

A few days ago, OK, wait. A few weeks, maybe even over a month ago, my nephew who is a senior in high school, told us about an assignment his senior English class had. They all had to make a "memory book". Yeah, seniors in high school making memory books. They had to have pictures and "be creative". Now according to the teacher being creative doesn't have to be expensive. Yeah, right lady. How can you make anything creative without spending a lot of money?

Anyway, they had a set of chapters they had to include in their book and if they did not include something for every chapter they were in very real danger of getting a failing grade. Oh, and this particular memory book is worth 30% of their second semester grade! 30% of their grade on what amounts to busy work. For seniors. In high school.

Also a required element of this book was the epilogue. An epilogue which HAD to be titled......"If I had to live my life over again I would..." HELLO!! They are kids, how much life have they lived? And how much could they actually do over? They don't have a choice where they live or go to school or when they get to start driving or a lot of things. My nephew wrote his in a humourous way which I thought was very clever. I hope the teacher thought so too.

This book was due Thursday of this week. My nephew, like any true American teenage boy started his Wednesday about 6 pm. My sister, my mom and I all helped but he really did most of the work. I think it turned out really good and he said the teacher said that she wouldn't change a thing about it, so hopefully he got a good grade.

Speaking of my nephew...around home and around us, his extended family he is very quiet and very...not serious like boring serious but not very outgoing I guess you could say. Well, I guess at school he's totally different. So different in fact, that he was voted the funniest guy in the senior class. On the surface that's a good thing, right? But it makes me a little sad.

Why is he so different at school than he is at home? And which one is the real him? If the funny one is the real him then why can't he be his real self around us? Or is he using the funny to hide the real him around his friends?

I'm afraid to say that I think the funny is the real him and he's not his true self around us. :( I wish I knew how to change that.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


I'm in funk. or I have a headache or both. I think it's a funk. Blah. BLAH!

A lily induced headache along with a certain adult male member of my family induced funk makes for a lot of BLAH.

No wait. I'm sick of this crap. I don't want to be in a funk because someone is a turd. Ha! crap..turd. yes, my inner 12 year old just giggled. Potty talk is always funny.

So sister is addicted to the laptop, I'm thinking. She is hovering around me like a vulture waiting for her chance to swoop in as soon as the laptop is left unattended for just a minute. Now she's giving me the side eye waiting for me to stop typing. Her latest thing is making cartoons. She's *gasp* running out of story ideas! She has been typing like a madwoman on the other computer writing stories. She's actually quite good in this momma's opinion. I want to get her stuff bound in to a book but she keeps writing and writing. I'm afraid I'll leave something out so I haven't done it yet.

But now she's shifted her creativity to writing and drawing cartoons on the computer. Something about a dog and it's owners. She thinks it's hilarious!! LOL She cracks her self right up sometimes :)

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

19 years

Wow, today is our anniversary. Dh and I have been married 19 years. We now have as many married years as unmarried years in our lives. Does that make sense? We were both 19 when we got married so we had 19 years of not being married and now we have 19 years of being married.

Sorry if that's a bit goofy. Dh got me some very very pretty flowers for our anniversary. They are Stargazer lilies my all time favorite, but MAN! are they strong. There are 6 open lilies and 12 buds! Wow, they are very powerful and I've got the tiniest bit of a headache from them. Don't tell dh, ok? But I think the headache is making me a little loopy.

Anyway, what I was trying to say is it's my anniversary!! And dh remembered! And life is good!

Friday, March 12, 2010

My lid was officially flipped

Last night I was making brother's bed after I washed his sheets. His room was such a mess, I totally lost it. There might have been some cussing. There might have been some yelling. There might be a cleaner room now.

Not my finest parenting moment that's for sure. Sigh.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

The award goes to...

All my loyal readers might remember last year about this time I was freaking out because I had to give some awards at a banquet on behalf of my place of employment. That is so not my personality but I had told my boss I would do it. I went alone which totally sucked.

Well, the banquet for this year was tonight. Again, my boss asked if I would go in his place. What could I say? Of course I went, but this year I took my family. Dh and the kids all went with me. What a difference!! I still dreaded going and got a little nervous before my turn came but nothing like last year. I was not miserable sitting by myself eating dinner. I didn't feel like a total loser sitting alone.

I had my family with me and that made all the difference. So this year the award goes husband and kids! Thanks for going with me guys :)

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Business trip

My boss and I are going on a two day trip to see some of our customers who are too far away to come to our office easily. It's no big deal, we've been before but for some reason this time I'm really sad about being gone. We are leaving Monday and will be home Wednesday so I'll be gone from home for only two nights. And we'll be going to a big casino one of those nights, I'm sure. Maybe I'll come home rich!! But still I'm dreading it for some reason. I don't want to go away, I want to stay home with my babies! and my hubby! Waaaaaaah!

I'm trying to look at the positives. I'll have a hotel room all to myself. I have books I can take and read. I can stop and buy myself some chocolate that I don't have to share. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm, chocolate.

But still, I would rather stay home.

Thursday, March 04, 2010

Harder than dieting

I read an article recently recommending going 30 days without spending any money that wasn't absolutely necessary. It really caught my attention because I'm a big time impulse shopper. Big.time. I'm really bad about going to the store during my lunch hour and I seem to be genetically unable to just get what I went in the store to get. I send up spending at least $30 more than I need to.

Anyway...I decided to try it for a week. One week of not going to the store unless it's 100% necessary. It's been almost one week and I've only been to the store twice. The first time I had to get some stuff for work and I got that plus some cheese sticks for snacks. The second time Owen needed some glue sticks for school. I had $2 in my purse and a package of glue sticks cost $2. I walked right to the aisle, got the sticks and went right to the checkout. Yay me.

The one thing that is really helping is I've been bringing a book to read at lunch. I go to the park and read in my car. So I'm not bored looking for something to do, that helps a lot. I have to leave work at lunch, I can't stand being at work all day without leaving!

This feels good. It feels like I was in control of my money this week. I kind of like that feeling.

Wow, I really should check my blog more often

I just happened to see my bookmark for my blog yesterday. Apparently I'm the most boring person on the planet. Even I don't read my blog! I got some spam in a comment on my last post a few months ago and didn't even notice it til now. That's just sad.