I've always heard people say this when someone dies suddenly. I know that they mean they don't want to suffer and linger on. Of course no one wants to think that they are sick and dying for months but good hell, dying suddenly is NOT the way to go, either.
When Wes died it was sudden. He was alive one minute and dead the next. Our kids went to bed thinking everything was fine and they were woken up the next morning to the news that their Daddy died. I had to watch him dying on the bedroom floor while I cried and screamed and tried to help him. I had to watch the ambulance drivers load him up and take him out of the house. You know when the EMT give you a hug and says we're praying for you it's bad news. I had to go to the hospital and see him on the table and listen to the dr. call the time of death.
All I could do was kiss his face and whisper to him that I loved him and beg him not to leave me. But he couldn't hear me, he was already gone.
Wes and I always said "I love you". There was nothing left unsaid, ever. But damn it all to hell I would have liked to have a second to say goodbye and give the kids a chance to tell their Daddy goodbye. Even a few minutes of time would have been the greatest gift we could have been given.
Hearing people say that's how I want to go is right up there with "these things happen for a reason". They both make me want to throat punch someone. This did not happen for a reason. There are some things that I am grateful for in all this. Number one being that it was me and not one of the kids that was with him at the end. As much as I don't want to see what I saw, I would see it again a thousand times to keep my kids from seeing one second of it.
But there is no way there is a reason he died. No reason to any of this. I just want to scream at the universe......I don't want this. I refuse this, I won't accept this so make it go away.
2 comments:
I know I don't know you and you don't know me but I wanted to leave a comment because I know what it feels like to lose someone. This is basically why I sterted my blog; I haven't talked about what happened but there's such a sad story even behind my apparently-happy posts.
I can't answer you about why. I don't even know WHY things like this happen.
I just want you to know that I'm here, if you want to talk or anything...
A hug!
Faby
Kim, a friend "tripped" across your blog and sent me the URL for it. I am so sorry for your loss. My husband passed away 2+ years ago. You are in the same "place" emotions-wise, that we widows find ourselves soon after our loss.
I was not quite 60 when my husband died, and you are SO much younger. Yet I can still relate to your pain, to your feelings of being robbed and so on.
"That's how I want to go" is right up there with many other trite phrases that people - none of them who have lost a spouse - throw out. And I also wanted to go for their throats - many of us do. Another stupid phrase: he's in a better place - and does that mean that when he was with me, it was in a BAD place. Believe me, we have tons of those phrases.
You are so newly-widowed that your pain just comes out of your blogs and throbs (for me, anyway). I am here if you want to reach out. I did not find support groups in my metro area for non-elderly widows, and definitely nothing that would be for your age group and situation. If I do come across any, I will let you know.
Peace, Kim, and a {{hug}} from someone who also did NOT want to join these ranks.
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