Friday, July 30, 2010

Can't turn it off

This song, especially the chorus has been stuck in my head for the last few days. I don't know why I remembered it in the first place but it's been running through my head almost constantly.

Never thought I'd be in this place
It's someone else's life I'm living
Wish I were living a lie
The hardest part is when the bough breaks
Falling down and then forgiving
You didn't kiss me good-bye
I'm choking on the words I didn't get to say
And pray I get the chance one day

I still run, I still swing open the door
I still think, you'll be there like before
Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around
Some things a heart won't listen to
I'm still holding out for you

I can hear you smile in the dark
I can even feel you breathing
But daylight chases the ghosts
I see your coat and I fall apart
To those hints of you I'm clinging
Now's when I need them most
I should get up, dry my eyes and move ahead
At least that's what you would have said

I still run, I still swing open the door
I still think, you'll be there like before
Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around
Some things a heart won't listen to
I'm still holding out for you

Faithfully, I trace your name while you sleep
It's the only true comfort I feel

I still run, I still swing open the door
I still think you'll be there like before

I still run, I still swing open the door
I still think, you'll be there like before
Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around
Some things a heart won't listen to
I'm still holding out for you

Holding out
Holding out for you

Thursday, July 22, 2010

That's how I want to go

I've always heard people say this when someone dies suddenly. I know that they mean they don't want to suffer and linger on. Of course no one wants to think that they are sick and dying for months but good hell, dying suddenly is NOT the way to go, either.

When Wes died it was sudden. He was alive one minute and dead the next. Our kids went to bed thinking everything was fine and they were woken up the next morning to the news that their Daddy died. I had to watch him dying on the bedroom floor while I cried and screamed and tried to help him. I had to watch the ambulance drivers load him up and take him out of the house. You know when the EMT give you a hug and says we're praying for you it's bad news. I had to go to the hospital and see him on the table and listen to the dr. call the time of death.

All I could do was kiss his face and whisper to him that I loved him and beg him not to leave me. But he couldn't hear me, he was already gone.

Wes and I always said "I love you". There was nothing left unsaid, ever. But damn it all to hell I would have liked to have a second to say goodbye and give the kids a chance to tell their Daddy goodbye. Even a few minutes of time would have been the greatest gift we could have been given.

Hearing people say that's how I want to go is right up there with "these things happen for a reason". They both make me want to throat punch someone. This did not happen for a reason. There are some things that I am grateful for in all this. Number one being that it was me and not one of the kids that was with him at the end. As much as I don't want to see what I saw, I would see it again a thousand times to keep my kids from seeing one second of it.

But there is no way there is a reason he died. No reason to any of this. I just want to scream at the universe......I don't want this. I refuse this, I won't accept this so make it go away.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Wondering why

Why did he have to die? Why did he have to die in front of me? Why did I have to go to the hospital and see the love of my life sprawled out dead on the table? Why did my dad have to see me saying goodbye to him? Why am I 38 and a widow? Why are my kids 11 and 6 and without a daddy? Why did I have to ask friends and family to be pall bearers? Why did I have to do laundry so he would have socks and underwear to be buried in? Why did I have to kiss him one last time before the casket was closed? Why am I going to have to take care of this place without him? Why will we not get to have a 25th or 50th wedding anniversary party? Why has my mother-in-law had to bury her only son and her husband? Why do I have to sleep alone? Why will I never get to feel his kiss or smell his scent again or feel his whiskers when I kiss his cheek? Why are there so many assholes who live forever and great guys like him die young?

Sunday, July 18, 2010

One Week

One week has passed since my world was destroyed. 7 days. Sometimes it feels like it's been 7 years and other times 7 seconds. I just can't believe that he is gone forever. He can't be gone, I'm not strong enough to get through this without him which is totally stupid because if he was here, I wouldn't be going through this, would I?

I was talking to an old high school friend this morning who had called to say how sorry he was. He told me that from the first time Wes saw me, he loved me. I can't tell you how much that meant to me to hear that. God, I love him so much.

Nighttime is the worst. The closer it gets to bedtime,the harder my heart beats and the tighter my chest gets. I did manage to sleep in bed last night. I've been sleeping on the couch and the kids are sleeping on the loveseats in living room with me, but last night I decided to try the bed and I made it all night. I hope I can do it again, sleeping on the couch just wasn't working, I needed some real sleep and I wasn't getting it on the couch.

I still can't believe that this is all true, it feels like I'm standing outside of myself and this is happening to someone else.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Don't wait

Don't wait until it's too late. Be sure to tell your family you love them. You never know when a second will pass and it will be too late. And you never get that time back.