Wondering why

Why did he have to die? Why did he have to die in front of me? Why did I have to go to the hospital and see the love of my life sprawled out dead on the table? Why did my dad have to see me saying goodbye to him? Why am I 38 and a widow? Why are my kids 11 and 6 and without a daddy? Why did I have to ask friends and family to be pall bearers? Why did I have to do laundry so he would have socks and underwear to be buried in? Why did I have to kiss him one last time before the casket was closed? Why am I going to have to take care of this place without him? Why will we not get to have a 25th or 50th wedding anniversary party? Why has my mother-in-law had to bury her only son and her husband? Why do I have to sleep alone? Why will I never get to feel his kiss or smell his scent again or feel his whiskers when I kiss his cheek? Why are there so many assholes who live forever and great guys like him die young?

One Week

One week has passed since my world was destroyed. 7 days. Sometimes it feels like it's been 7 years and other times 7 seconds. I just can't believe that he is gone forever. He can't be gone, I'm not strong enough to get through this without him which is totally stupid because if he was here, I wouldn't be going through this, would I?

I was talking to an old high school friend this morning who had called to say how sorry he was. He told me that from the first time Wes saw me, he loved me. I can't tell you how much that meant to me to hear that. God, I love him so much.

Nighttime is the worst. The closer it gets to bedtime,the harder my heart beats and the tighter my chest gets. I did manage to sleep in bed last night. I've been sleeping on the couch and the kids are sleeping on the loveseats in living room with me, but last night I decided to try the bed and I made it all night. I hope I can do it again, sleeping on the couch just wasn't working, I needed some real sleep and I wasn't getting it on the couch.

I still can't believe that this is all true, it feels like I'm standing outside of myself and this is happening to someone else.

Don't wait

Don't wait until it's too late. Be sure to tell your family you love them. You never know when a second will pass and it will be too late. And you never get that time back.

Follow up

Well, Father's Day came and went. I didn't do anything spectacular, quite the opposite actually. I did tell him Happy Father's Day and eventually made him some breakfast burritos for supper. The kids signed a card that M had picked out and that was that.

In honor of Father's Day (only almost a week late) here is one of my very favorite pictures of him and O. I also have a favorite of him and M but in her babyhood we didn't have a digital camera so just imagine a new daddy gazing lovingly in to his baby daughters face. ♥♥

Golden Rule

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That's the golden rule, right? I'm having a hard time with this lately. It's turning in to do unto others have they have done to you.

On Mother's Day my entire family blew me off. I got a half hearted happy mother's day. I'm having a hard time even trying to want to do anything for dh this Father's Day. It's in a few days and I really haven't even put any effort in to thinking of what to get dh. I try to treat him how I want to be treated but I swear sometimes it's an effort. But I really don't want to fall in to that rut. I think that's a dangerous path to get on in a marriage, pretty soon you both end up treating each other like crap.

So I'll just keep on keeping on...fake it 'til I make it. I'm sure I'll end up doing something for Father's Day and it will be fantastic and he will love it. Or not.

Waaaah!

Well, the day I've been dreading for about 5 years has finally happened. The people who own the land across the road from us have started building their house. WHY?????

Why do they have to build by us? They have an entire mile and hundreds of acres to choose from but yet, they decide to build across the road from us.

If I wanted to have neighbors I'd live in fricking town. God, this really pisses me off and I just want to lay down and scream and kick and throw a huge tantrum.

I'm trying to find some positive thoughts about it and the only one I can come up with is at least we know they are nice, normal people. Not meth heads that we would need to be scared of. And they are older but still young enough to live there for probably a long time so they won't be selling to anyone any time soon.

But still!!! Waaaaaaaaaaaah. I don't like this, not one bit.

Friday Photo

Here's one I haven't done for a long time. Friday Photo!! This is the view basically from my front door. This was taken a year or so ago but it's the same really. Maybe a little more green in this picutre as it looks like it was after a rain.