Pity Party

So, I'm having myself a pity party that last few days. It's Christmas and I miss my husband so very, very much. Don't get me wrong, I miss him every second of every day. But I've been missing him more than ever now.

It seems like things would be getting easier and in some ways they are but in others they are worse. The initial shock is gone. The dust has settled from the bomb that went off in our lives July 11, 2010. But after the dust is settled you can see how bad the damage really is. I don't want to do this. I don't want to be responsible for every decision of every day that affects my kids lives. I don't want to be responsible for the house. I don't want to have to call someone to come level the house that has settled in the extreme drought we had this last summer. I don't want to walk outside and know that I'M the one responsible. We've got 5 acres which isn't that much really, for around here. I feel like the world is on my shoulders sometimes.

Ok, I got off track of my whining for a minute. Wes always spoiled me at Christmas. I miss that. God, that sounds shallow. But I miss having him around for little things like that. I just miss HIM.

Just need to get this out

Sorry, vent ahead. I've got one co-worker who works everyday with me and another that works on average 1 day a week. Just whenever she comes in.

This vent is about the full-time co-worker. She's on the phone talking to someone (I think her husband) about how she can sympathise with a friend because she knows how hard it is to be a single mom. How does she know? Because her husband works shift work and is gone at night a lot. Um, no, honey you have NO idea how hard it is to be a single mom.

You might know how hard it is to do stuff at home when your husband is not around but you have no idea. At.all. Not even an inkling of an idea.

She talks to her husband multiple times a day. She knows that he's available if he needs her even if it's hard to get ahold of him at work. She knows that he's alive somewhere in this world.

So, no. Just because you might go a few days without actually seeing your husband in person does NOT mean you know what it's like.

New love

Here is our newest family member here in Happy Town. Meet Snow. She's tiny and adorable and we love her very much.

Long time, no see

Wow, it's been a long time since I blogged anything. I need to get back to it, I've got some stuff rattling around in my head that I need to get out and blogging helps a lot. I have the number of a grief counselor I need to call but I haven't been able to make my self make that call just quite yet. I got a note from the counselor at my kids school with the number so I know I need to call because now it's not just me it's affecting my kids.

I have a cousin, I'll call him M, who's wife died of a suspected aneurysm when their kids were young. Younger than my kids were when their dad died. My cousin had two boys and although they have grown in to nice young men they both have serious issues that I feel go back to the loss of their mom. One is off and on drugs, probably more on than we know and the other was just lost for a lot of years. :( Another cousin remarked to me after my husband died how she wishes M would have taken his boys to counselling after their mom died. It was like a light bulb went off and I realized I don't want my kids to turn out like his kids.

BUT, that is easier said than done. I've found the human mind has a remarkable ability to shut off when painful stuff happens. I don't think any of us have fully dealt with the loss yet. I don't know if I'm ready to deal with it yet.

And in my next post, I'll introduce you to the newest love of our lives around here. (As soon as I figure out which one of our computers the picture is on.)

Home sweet home

I'm back from vacation. My family and I....my whole family, parents, siblings and their families spent a wonderful 10 days in Florida! We spent a couple of days at Cocoa Beach then we went to Kissimmie. We rented a big fancy house and all stayed together. It was wonderful!!

My kids got to fly on a plane for the first time, see the ocean for the first time, go to Disney & Universal for the first time. It was incredible seeing them see it for the first time. I've been to the ocean but it's been years and years......probably 30 years. I've been to Disneyland but not Disney world so that was fun for us all. And the best most awesome part...........we got to go to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter!!!!!! It was incredible and awesome and amazing and more. I think I was more excited than the kids were.

The house we rented had it's own pool so we swam everyday and didn't have to worry about others in the pool like we would in a hotel. All the adults had their own bedrooms, we had a washer and dryer so there was no mountain of laundry to do when we got home.

We packed a ton of stuff in our 10 days. The beach, Kennedy Space Center, Universal, Gatorland, Disney, Dinosaur World and of course tons of eating and shopping. I even tried sushi for the first time. I loved it! I even drove the whole time which for me is a huge step. I hate driving in a lot of traffic but by the end of the first few days I was driving like a local. I'm very proud of me. lol

We're home now and it's back to the hot, dry crappy weather here. It was hot down there but nothing like it is here. It was instantly dripping with sweat hot but not baking in an oven going to die if you stay outside hot like it is here. Blah! We need rain so bad here.

I'm glad to be back but I'd love to be in that house and that pool again!

Hard time of year

So last week was Father's Day. Next week is the 4th of July. His favorite holiday of all time was the 4th of July. Then the week after that it will be one year since he died. One year. I can't believe it. I hadn't lived one second without him for 23 years before last July 11th and now I've lived one year without him.

For the last 8 years or so we would have a big party on the 4th. It started out as just one couple and us using the day as an excuse to drink and shoot fireworks and had morphed over the years to a big family party with both our families coming over. Still a few drinks but more kid (and parent) friendly. Wes loved fireworks, the louder and bigger the better. We never had much money but we always found a way to spend way, way too much on fireworks every year. They knew us on sight at the fireworks stand......we got free T-shirts for buying so many. :) I thought about having it again this year as a memorial to him but I just can't do it. I also talked to the kids and they both said they didn't want to have the party either. So we won't. I'm still not 100% convinced it's the right thing to do but I just don't think I can face it. But I feel almost guilty for not doing it. Guilty isn't really the right word but I can't think of a better way to describe it.

I do know that every time I drive by a fireworks stand I get teary. There is one I have to drive by on my way home from work. I usually start crying after I go by and don't stop til I'm almost home. We never even went to that fireworks stand! I don't know why it gets to me so bad but it does. I've tried to turn my head away when I drive by but that's not very easy or safe since I should, you know, keep my eyes on the road!

Hello again

It's been a long time since I've posted. Nothing new really going on here just learning how to live again, sometimes succeeding and sometimes failing but muddling through.

I still have a hard time believing that the last 11 months have actually happened to me and my kids. I'm sure that's not healthy but it's where I am right now and I'm surviving.

The kids are out of school for the summer and we are planning our vacation. It's in July. I've never looked forward to and dreaded something so much. July is when he died and we are leaving in July. I'm very excited to go but I'm also wishing that July won't come.

Tomorrow is Father's Day. It seems like everywhere I turn it's a commercial or something about Father's Day. It feels like it's way more this year than in years past but I'm sure it's just me noticing it more. I told my mom that the kids and I might not be at church tomorrow and she asked "Why?" in a very surprised voice. Um, because it's Father's day and the focus will be on fathers and their father is dead? No, I didn't say that but I wanted to. It feels like people forget that we are still hurting, like we should be moved on. I honestly feel like I lost an entire year of my life. Like time has stood still since last July 11th.

I had someone ask me about a month ago if I thought I would get remarried. What?! I couldn't believe they were asking me that but I said "at this time, no, I don't". They would.not. let it go. They kept saying how I was too young to spend my life alone, how they hoped I would change my mind. Are you serious? They even agreed that to me it probably seems like infidelity right now and it does. But still they wouldn't stop. I don't understand people. And this is a person that I've known for about 20 years and think of as a second dad. The thought of even going to dinner with another guy makes me sick to my stomach I can't even entertain the thought of getting remarried.

Well, I guess maybe I should post more often to get some of this stuff off my mind. I'm not a share-er in real life and I tend to not talk about some of this stuff. I am remembering how this blog is good for me to let stuff out. To crack open my brain and let a little of the craziness out!

Life Lessons

Haven't done this for a while.....a couple of life lessons I've picked up lately.

First, when you sign up for automatic bill pay on your television satellite service don't forget and go ahead and pay the bill from your bank's online bill pay service. If you do you will notice a $100 difference in your bank account balance.

Second, when you pay your credit card bill from your bank's online bill pay service make sure you haven't already set up the same payment for a different day. If you do you will notice an additional $100 difference in your bank account balance.

I'm so glad I could share my bits of wisdom with you today.

Things I wanted/things I've got

I used to say that all I wanted was to be able to pay our bills as we got them in. I never wanted to be "rich". Just able to pay our bills and have a little left over, which I guess would be considered rich in a lot of the world. I was thinking the other day about how I've now got what I wanted.

House paid off......check
No car payment......check
No drowning in credit card debt.......check
No worrying about what bill to pay when.....check
Tractor paid off......check
Hell, I've even always wanted a ficus tree and now I've got one.

The one thing I would trade it all for.....to have him back, to have him not die.

Yes, he had life insurance. Yes, it was enough to pay all our bills with some left over to save. Yes, someone even gave me a damn ficus tree.

I don't want any of it. I want him. God, I miss him so much. I don't even know how long it's been since he died. You would think it would be burned in to my brain the exact number of months, days, minutes but it's not. It still feels like it was yesterday. The hurt, the pain and loneliness is still there like it's always been. I wake up with it, I go about my day with it, I go to bed with it. It's always there in my head. He's dead. I'm alone. He's gone. I miss him so much.

Still here

I know I haven't posted much lately but honestly, there's not been much to post. Life goes on. Even though it doesn't seem like it should, the sun still rises everyday and school is still there and work is still there.

I'm trying to keep busy so I've decided to relearn how to crochet. Not that I ever knew how to do much past the basics but I decided to try again. I think I'm getting it better this time around. I've made a few scarves for the kids and I made a stocking hat that's too small for my head. It's cute and pink so I think I might give it to my cousin's granddaughter that catches the school bus at my house everyday.

I'm now attempting to make a blanket/afghan. It's going ok so far but I'll probably get bored of it before I finish it. I have a tendency to do that. Start something and never finish it.

I've been having trouble falling asleep lately. It's usually around midnight before I can fall asleep. I know the most obvious problem is Wes is not there. We never were a cuddly couple. Don't touch me when I'm sleeping was pretty much both of our attitudes. :) A very firm line in the middle of the bed.....ok, it was more like he had 3/4 and I had the rest but that was ok. Now that I have the whole bed to myself it's hard. I miss his presence even if we didn't "fall asleep in each other's arms" like I've heard other couples talk about.

The other problem is I cannot stand to not have the tv on at night. I just can't be in the bedroom without it on at night. Hell, I am just now able to walk in to the bedroom and not turn the light on. If I'm going to be in there for more than the two steps it takes to get to the bathroom I will turn the light on. I just can't do it. So the tv stays on but turned all the way down. I know it's keeping me awake but that's just too bad. It stays on for now.

I thought about trying Melatonin but haven't done it yet. I know a friend of mine uses it and likes it. I should try it because I know I'm not getting enough sleep.

Snow day X 2

So I got an email from the national weather service about a winter storm that was forecast for Tuesday evening. It was full of stuff like "life threatening wind chills" and "major weather event" and "take this situation seriously, stock up on needed medication". Pretty obvious it was going to be bad.

I spent Sunday afternoon bringing firewood up to the house in case I had to light the fireplace if we lost power, cleaning out the barn so I could fit both the pick up and my car in it, moved the scoop shovel up to the porch in case I needed to dig us out, cleaning out the fireplace that still had ashes in it from last winter. Just trying to cover all my bases just in case it got as bad as they were predicting.

Of course the news and weather guys on tv were going crazy about the storm. But this particular channel always gets hopped up on the weather and go a little nuts so I wasn't sure what to believe. I figured the more prepared I was then maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

Yesterday I had to work late which really, really ticked me off. My boss decided at almost 5 that he needed to update and learn a new program. Of course I am the only one that works til 5 so I got to stay. It was about 5:45 before I got to leave work so it was full dark by the time I got to my parents to pick up the kids. I had planned on being home and all stuff put up by dark but it all worked out in the end. Even if I was really, really aggravated when I got home.

So Monday evening we (mostly the kids) eagerly anticipated the snow, checking every hour or so and being disappointed to see none. Even when we went to bed after 11 still no snow. Well, we got snow. And more snow. But mostly wind. Oh my god, the wind. Over 40 mph with gusts to close to 50. We were under a blizzard warning for most of the day. I've only seen a blizzard warning here one other time. And it was a blizzard. My sister lives about a quarter of a mile away and we couldn't even see her house most of the day. I would not have wanted to be out in that.

Thankfully my boss is great about stuff like that and he had already told us were were closed Tuesday and he called me today to say if my kids were out of school again Wednesday then our office would be closed too. They are out of school again but they are not very excited about their second snow day. It's too darn windy and dangerously cold so I won't let them go out. They are going stir crazy. Sorry but -15 wind chill= not going outside!

So we've got another snow day tomorrow to get through. Hopefully the wind will die down so they can at least go out for a little bit.

Bragging

I can't remember if I talked about this or not and I'm too lazy to be bothered to scroll down about two scrolls and look so turn the channel if this is a rerun.

Owen got Student of the Month in December for school! Yay, I'm so proud of my boy!! We went to the little award ceremony, which was actually just a Lions club meeting, but he got a certificate and he will get his picture in the paper.

Both kids are doing really great in school. Owen is in 1st grade and Mal is in 7th. They both got their report cards and Owen got all A's and Mal got mostly A's and a couple of B's. I'm very, very proud of both of them.