New love

Here is our newest family member here in Happy Town. Meet Snow. She's tiny and adorable and we love her very much.

Long time, no see

Wow, it's been a long time since I blogged anything. I need to get back to it, I've got some stuff rattling around in my head that I need to get out and blogging helps a lot. I have the number of a grief counselor I need to call but I haven't been able to make my self make that call just quite yet. I got a note from the counselor at my kids school with the number so I know I need to call because now it's not just me it's affecting my kids.

I have a cousin, I'll call him M, who's wife died of a suspected aneurysm when their kids were young. Younger than my kids were when their dad died. My cousin had two boys and although they have grown in to nice young men they both have serious issues that I feel go back to the loss of their mom. One is off and on drugs, probably more on than we know and the other was just lost for a lot of years. :( Another cousin remarked to me after my husband died how she wishes M would have taken his boys to counselling after their mom died. It was like a light bulb went off and I realized I don't want my kids to turn out like his kids.

BUT, that is easier said than done. I've found the human mind has a remarkable ability to shut off when painful stuff happens. I don't think any of us have fully dealt with the loss yet. I don't know if I'm ready to deal with it yet.

And in my next post, I'll introduce you to the newest love of our lives around here. (As soon as I figure out which one of our computers the picture is on.)

Home sweet home

I'm back from vacation. My family and I....my whole family, parents, siblings and their families spent a wonderful 10 days in Florida! We spent a couple of days at Cocoa Beach then we went to Kissimmie. We rented a big fancy house and all stayed together. It was wonderful!!

My kids got to fly on a plane for the first time, see the ocean for the first time, go to Disney & Universal for the first time. It was incredible seeing them see it for the first time. I've been to the ocean but it's been years and years......probably 30 years. I've been to Disneyland but not Disney world so that was fun for us all. And the best most awesome part...........we got to go to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter!!!!!! It was incredible and awesome and amazing and more. I think I was more excited than the kids were.

The house we rented had it's own pool so we swam everyday and didn't have to worry about others in the pool like we would in a hotel. All the adults had their own bedrooms, we had a washer and dryer so there was no mountain of laundry to do when we got home.

We packed a ton of stuff in our 10 days. The beach, Kennedy Space Center, Universal, Gatorland, Disney, Dinosaur World and of course tons of eating and shopping. I even tried sushi for the first time. I loved it! I even drove the whole time which for me is a huge step. I hate driving in a lot of traffic but by the end of the first few days I was driving like a local. I'm very proud of me. lol

We're home now and it's back to the hot, dry crappy weather here. It was hot down there but nothing like it is here. It was instantly dripping with sweat hot but not baking in an oven going to die if you stay outside hot like it is here. Blah! We need rain so bad here.

I'm glad to be back but I'd love to be in that house and that pool again!

Hard time of year

So last week was Father's Day. Next week is the 4th of July. His favorite holiday of all time was the 4th of July. Then the week after that it will be one year since he died. One year. I can't believe it. I hadn't lived one second without him for 23 years before last July 11th and now I've lived one year without him.

For the last 8 years or so we would have a big party on the 4th. It started out as just one couple and us using the day as an excuse to drink and shoot fireworks and had morphed over the years to a big family party with both our families coming over. Still a few drinks but more kid (and parent) friendly. Wes loved fireworks, the louder and bigger the better. We never had much money but we always found a way to spend way, way too much on fireworks every year. They knew us on sight at the fireworks stand......we got free T-shirts for buying so many. :) I thought about having it again this year as a memorial to him but I just can't do it. I also talked to the kids and they both said they didn't want to have the party either. So we won't. I'm still not 100% convinced it's the right thing to do but I just don't think I can face it. But I feel almost guilty for not doing it. Guilty isn't really the right word but I can't think of a better way to describe it.

I do know that every time I drive by a fireworks stand I get teary. There is one I have to drive by on my way home from work. I usually start crying after I go by and don't stop til I'm almost home. We never even went to that fireworks stand! I don't know why it gets to me so bad but it does. I've tried to turn my head away when I drive by but that's not very easy or safe since I should, you know, keep my eyes on the road!

Hello again

It's been a long time since I've posted. Nothing new really going on here just learning how to live again, sometimes succeeding and sometimes failing but muddling through.

I still have a hard time believing that the last 11 months have actually happened to me and my kids. I'm sure that's not healthy but it's where I am right now and I'm surviving.

The kids are out of school for the summer and we are planning our vacation. It's in July. I've never looked forward to and dreaded something so much. July is when he died and we are leaving in July. I'm very excited to go but I'm also wishing that July won't come.

Tomorrow is Father's Day. It seems like everywhere I turn it's a commercial or something about Father's Day. It feels like it's way more this year than in years past but I'm sure it's just me noticing it more. I told my mom that the kids and I might not be at church tomorrow and she asked "Why?" in a very surprised voice. Um, because it's Father's day and the focus will be on fathers and their father is dead? No, I didn't say that but I wanted to. It feels like people forget that we are still hurting, like we should be moved on. I honestly feel like I lost an entire year of my life. Like time has stood still since last July 11th.

I had someone ask me about a month ago if I thought I would get remarried. What?! I couldn't believe they were asking me that but I said "at this time, no, I don't". They would.not. let it go. They kept saying how I was too young to spend my life alone, how they hoped I would change my mind. Are you serious? They even agreed that to me it probably seems like infidelity right now and it does. But still they wouldn't stop. I don't understand people. And this is a person that I've known for about 20 years and think of as a second dad. The thought of even going to dinner with another guy makes me sick to my stomach I can't even entertain the thought of getting remarried.

Well, I guess maybe I should post more often to get some of this stuff off my mind. I'm not a share-er in real life and I tend to not talk about some of this stuff. I am remembering how this blog is good for me to let stuff out. To crack open my brain and let a little of the craziness out!

Life Lessons

Haven't done this for a while.....a couple of life lessons I've picked up lately.

First, when you sign up for automatic bill pay on your television satellite service don't forget and go ahead and pay the bill from your bank's online bill pay service. If you do you will notice a $100 difference in your bank account balance.

Second, when you pay your credit card bill from your bank's online bill pay service make sure you haven't already set up the same payment for a different day. If you do you will notice an additional $100 difference in your bank account balance.

I'm so glad I could share my bits of wisdom with you today.

Things I wanted/things I've got

I used to say that all I wanted was to be able to pay our bills as we got them in. I never wanted to be "rich". Just able to pay our bills and have a little left over, which I guess would be considered rich in a lot of the world. I was thinking the other day about how I've now got what I wanted.

House paid off......check
No car payment......check
No drowning in credit card debt.......check
No worrying about what bill to pay when.....check
Tractor paid off......check
Hell, I've even always wanted a ficus tree and now I've got one.

The one thing I would trade it all for.....to have him back, to have him not die.

Yes, he had life insurance. Yes, it was enough to pay all our bills with some left over to save. Yes, someone even gave me a damn ficus tree.

I don't want any of it. I want him. God, I miss him so much. I don't even know how long it's been since he died. You would think it would be burned in to my brain the exact number of months, days, minutes but it's not. It still feels like it was yesterday. The hurt, the pain and loneliness is still there like it's always been. I wake up with it, I go about my day with it, I go to bed with it. It's always there in my head. He's dead. I'm alone. He's gone. I miss him so much.