It's been a long time since I've posted. Nothing new really going on here just learning how to live again, sometimes succeeding and sometimes failing but muddling through.
I still have a hard time believing that the last 11 months have actually happened to me and my kids. I'm sure that's not healthy but it's where I am right now and I'm surviving.
The kids are out of school for the summer and we are planning our vacation. It's in July. I've never looked forward to and dreaded something so much. July is when he died and we are leaving in July. I'm very excited to go but I'm also wishing that July won't come.
Tomorrow is Father's Day. It seems like everywhere I turn it's a commercial or something about Father's Day. It feels like it's way more this year than in years past but I'm sure it's just me noticing it more. I told my mom that the kids and I might not be at church tomorrow and she asked "Why?" in a very surprised voice. Um, because it's Father's day and the focus will be on fathers and their father is dead? No, I didn't say that but I wanted to. It feels like people forget that we are still hurting, like we should be moved on. I honestly feel like I lost an entire year of my life. Like time has stood still since last July 11th.
I had someone ask me about a month ago if I thought I would get remarried. What?! I couldn't believe they were asking me that but I said "at this time, no, I don't". They would.not. let it go. They kept saying how I was too young to spend my life alone, how they hoped I would change my mind. Are you serious? They even agreed that to me it probably seems like infidelity right now and it does. But still they wouldn't stop. I don't understand people. And this is a person that I've known for about 20 years and think of as a second dad. The thought of even going to dinner with another guy makes me sick to my stomach I can't even entertain the thought of getting remarried.
Well, I guess maybe I should post more often to get some of this stuff off my mind. I'm not a share-er in real life and I tend to not talk about some of this stuff. I am remembering how this blog is good for me to let stuff out. To crack open my brain and let a little of the craziness out!
2 comments:
So glad to read your blog, and you are RIGHT: your blog IS for you to share or unload whatever is on your mind. For me, it was a great help after my husband died. Plus I did some exploring and found women in similar situations (and many who had things even worse than I did). Women read and posted supportive comments, and it was good to know that I could reach out to someone on the 'Net.
People say and ask the damnedest things, while they think they are being helpful or sensitive. Like you said, this guy is someone who you think of, as a second dad. Deep down, he probably thought he was supportive. But he hasn't "been there", hasn't "walked in your shoes". He senses that you are suffering, are lonely, and so his suggestion (to him) makes sense.
Yes, when one starts dating again, it does feel like infidelity. I wish I could give you a website that made sense of this, to me. It was from a guy whose wife died young, leaving him with a toddler to raise. He said that when your spouse dies, you have "fulfilled your marriage contract." The part that says, "until death do us part".
It is so natural to feel like you are feeling, and you have to go with your OWN schedule, your own pace, on dealing with all of these issues.
You have gone thru so much this year, including all those "firsts" that are so painful: the holidays, birthdays, anniversary, Mother's Day. Like most widows/widowers, I can fully understand how you did not want to attend church on Father's Day. It is all so hard, HARD, HARD.
Many hugs from me to you, Kim.
Thank you Jessica. It's so nice to hear from someone who HAS "been there". Not that I don't appreciate the support from my friends and family because I DO appreciate it more than words can say, it's just also nice to hear from fellow survivors.
Post a Comment