I can't remember if I talked about this or not and I'm too lazy to be bothered to scroll down about two scrolls and look so turn the channel if this is a rerun.
Owen got Student of the Month in December for school! Yay, I'm so proud of my boy!! We went to the little award ceremony, which was actually just a Lions club meeting, but he got a certificate and he will get his picture in the paper.
Both kids are doing really great in school. Owen is in 1st grade and Mal is in 7th. They both got their report cards and Owen got all A's and Mal got mostly A's and a couple of B's. I'm very, very proud of both of them.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Christmas is over
We had a good Christmas. The kids were very excited about it so that helped. If it wasn't for them I don't think I would have put up a tree or anything.
It's been a tough day for me. I skipped church and have basically laid around the house all day. I do that every once in a while, somedays I just can't be bothered to get dressed and get out of the house and deal with people. Ok, so I'm dressed, but not for public viewing. :) I'm in my flannel pants and t-shirt.
The headstone was set Thursday. I went out to see it and it was NOT what I was expecting. I'm not sure if it's as bad as I think it is or not. I was very shocked to see how different it was that I just took a picture with my cell phone and left. It was such an emotional thing to go out there then to see it not like I was expecting just threw me for a loop. I talked it over with my mother in law and sister in law. They both see what I don't like but they both said they liked it. I don't know. I was going to try to go back out to the cemetery today but I coudn't do it yet. Plus I need to take the kids out too. I wasn't in a place mentally where I could deal with it so I didn't. It will still be there when I'm ready.
I still miss him so much it's like missing part of myself. Even now it's still hard for me to believe that this has actually happened. I think maybe I'll eventually wake up from this nightmare.
It's been a tough day for me. I skipped church and have basically laid around the house all day. I do that every once in a while, somedays I just can't be bothered to get dressed and get out of the house and deal with people. Ok, so I'm dressed, but not for public viewing. :) I'm in my flannel pants and t-shirt.
The headstone was set Thursday. I went out to see it and it was NOT what I was expecting. I'm not sure if it's as bad as I think it is or not. I was very shocked to see how different it was that I just took a picture with my cell phone and left. It was such an emotional thing to go out there then to see it not like I was expecting just threw me for a loop. I talked it over with my mother in law and sister in law. They both see what I don't like but they both said they liked it. I don't know. I was going to try to go back out to the cemetery today but I coudn't do it yet. Plus I need to take the kids out too. I wasn't in a place mentally where I could deal with it so I didn't. It will still be there when I'm ready.
I still miss him so much it's like missing part of myself. Even now it's still hard for me to believe that this has actually happened. I think maybe I'll eventually wake up from this nightmare.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Is it getting easier?
That's what my mother in law asked me yesterday. She knows about what I'm going through. Her husband, my husband's father, died when he was 52. She was a widow at the age of 50.
My answer was oh, I guess a little. But after I've thought about it for a while my answer now is no. It's not getting easier. The first few hours, days, weeks, the first month even was just surviving. Put one foot in front of the other to make myself get out of bed, get dressed (most days), get the kids fed and loved.
Now that we've had almost 5 months of living without him, now it's really sinking in that this is forever. He's not just gone.....he's gone forever. We're not just alone......we're alone forever.
I'm realizing that it's all up to me now. If the trash needs hauled off, it's my job. I can't say, hey you need to haul the trash off. If the satellite in the bedroom quits working, I have to figure it out (which I haven't yet). I can't say hey, the TV isn't working and have him come in and fix it in one push of a button. I've pushed every damn button on the remote and still no luck.
The more time that passes the more I realize just how hard this is and will continue to be. God, I miss him so very very much. I still can't believe he's gone.
I was just thinking the other day that I feel like I'm in a state of suspended animation. Waiting. Waiting for what, I have no idea. But I'm pretty sure I won't get it whatever it is.
But, I know that we will survive this. I know plenty of women in real life and online that have been through what we are going through and have come out the other side, alive and happy. And I'm quite sure we will, too.
A friend/co-worker of mine is trapped in an unhappy, borderline abusive marriage. I would have rather had my 19 year marriage than have hers even if it lasts 80 years. I know I was blessed beyond measure to have the husband I had even if he was gone too soon. His love is still with me helping me survive this. He's still taking care of me even now in the little stuff I find everyday. Things he did that are still helping me find my way even now.
My answer was oh, I guess a little. But after I've thought about it for a while my answer now is no. It's not getting easier. The first few hours, days, weeks, the first month even was just surviving. Put one foot in front of the other to make myself get out of bed, get dressed (most days), get the kids fed and loved.
Now that we've had almost 5 months of living without him, now it's really sinking in that this is forever. He's not just gone.....he's gone forever. We're not just alone......we're alone forever.
I'm realizing that it's all up to me now. If the trash needs hauled off, it's my job. I can't say, hey you need to haul the trash off. If the satellite in the bedroom quits working, I have to figure it out (which I haven't yet). I can't say hey, the TV isn't working and have him come in and fix it in one push of a button. I've pushed every damn button on the remote and still no luck.
The more time that passes the more I realize just how hard this is and will continue to be. God, I miss him so very very much. I still can't believe he's gone.
I was just thinking the other day that I feel like I'm in a state of suspended animation. Waiting. Waiting for what, I have no idea. But I'm pretty sure I won't get it whatever it is.
But, I know that we will survive this. I know plenty of women in real life and online that have been through what we are going through and have come out the other side, alive and happy. And I'm quite sure we will, too.
A friend/co-worker of mine is trapped in an unhappy, borderline abusive marriage. I would have rather had my 19 year marriage than have hers even if it lasts 80 years. I know I was blessed beyond measure to have the husband I had even if he was gone too soon. His love is still with me helping me survive this. He's still taking care of me even now in the little stuff I find everyday. Things he did that are still helping me find my way even now.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Younger, fatter, happier times
I found this picture today when I was looking for pictures for a photo book I want to make for the kids. This was a few years ago on vacation. I was way fatter then and Wes was not :)
Friday, October 29, 2010
I love this picture
I don't know why exactly but I love this picture. I found it when I got M's digital camera pictures loaded on to the camera a few weeks after dh died. It just stopped me in my tracks when I saw it. Love.it.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Hmmm
Well, sometime in the last few days I had a great idea for a post. Something thought provoking and poignant, I'm sure. And today? Damned if I can remember what it was. So I'll just go with a post saying I'm OK.
The kids are OK. Sometimes I worry that they are too OK. Is that possible? I've tried to keep life as much the same as I can for them. We still tease, we still laugh, we still watch our favorite shows on tv.
I worry that I've done too good of a job on that. Neither one of them really talk about him at all. If I bring him up they will smile about a fun memory or say they miss him if I say it first. But they never bring him up first.
I'm going to have them both talk to the school counselor. At least once to make sure they are not having problems that I can't see. I talked to both of their teachers at parent teacher conferences Friday and neither one of them have noticed any problems at school. Both kids are getting A's and B's and have not behavior problems in the class room.
M's teacher told me something she had overheard at the beginning of the year. A friend of M asked her how things were at her house since her dad was gone. M answered "my mom makes it ok". I hope she's right.
The kids are OK. Sometimes I worry that they are too OK. Is that possible? I've tried to keep life as much the same as I can for them. We still tease, we still laugh, we still watch our favorite shows on tv.
I worry that I've done too good of a job on that. Neither one of them really talk about him at all. If I bring him up they will smile about a fun memory or say they miss him if I say it first. But they never bring him up first.
I'm going to have them both talk to the school counselor. At least once to make sure they are not having problems that I can't see. I talked to both of their teachers at parent teacher conferences Friday and neither one of them have noticed any problems at school. Both kids are getting A's and B's and have not behavior problems in the class room.
M's teacher told me something she had overheard at the beginning of the year. A friend of M asked her how things were at her house since her dad was gone. M answered "my mom makes it ok". I hope she's right.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Bathtub
Have you ever laid in the bathtub while the water was draining out? Stayed in until the water was completely gone? You feel like you weigh a thousand pounds. Like there is a force pushing you down and it's hard to get up. Like gravity is 10 times as strong holding you down.
Yeah, I've decided that's what grief feels like. Some days I feel like I'm being crushed with the weight of it and if I laid down it would be next to impossible to get back up.
Yeah, I've decided that's what grief feels like. Some days I feel like I'm being crushed with the weight of it and if I laid down it would be next to impossible to get back up.
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