Life Lessons

Haven't done this for a while.....a couple of life lessons I've picked up lately.

First, when you sign up for automatic bill pay on your television satellite service don't forget and go ahead and pay the bill from your bank's online bill pay service. If you do you will notice a $100 difference in your bank account balance.

Second, when you pay your credit card bill from your bank's online bill pay service make sure you haven't already set up the same payment for a different day. If you do you will notice an additional $100 difference in your bank account balance.

I'm so glad I could share my bits of wisdom with you today.

Things I wanted/things I've got

I used to say that all I wanted was to be able to pay our bills as we got them in. I never wanted to be "rich". Just able to pay our bills and have a little left over, which I guess would be considered rich in a lot of the world. I was thinking the other day about how I've now got what I wanted.

House paid off......check
No car payment......check
No drowning in credit card debt.......check
No worrying about what bill to pay when.....check
Tractor paid off......check
Hell, I've even always wanted a ficus tree and now I've got one.

The one thing I would trade it all for.....to have him back, to have him not die.

Yes, he had life insurance. Yes, it was enough to pay all our bills with some left over to save. Yes, someone even gave me a damn ficus tree.

I don't want any of it. I want him. God, I miss him so much. I don't even know how long it's been since he died. You would think it would be burned in to my brain the exact number of months, days, minutes but it's not. It still feels like it was yesterday. The hurt, the pain and loneliness is still there like it's always been. I wake up with it, I go about my day with it, I go to bed with it. It's always there in my head. He's dead. I'm alone. He's gone. I miss him so much.

Still here

I know I haven't posted much lately but honestly, there's not been much to post. Life goes on. Even though it doesn't seem like it should, the sun still rises everyday and school is still there and work is still there.

I'm trying to keep busy so I've decided to relearn how to crochet. Not that I ever knew how to do much past the basics but I decided to try again. I think I'm getting it better this time around. I've made a few scarves for the kids and I made a stocking hat that's too small for my head. It's cute and pink so I think I might give it to my cousin's granddaughter that catches the school bus at my house everyday.

I'm now attempting to make a blanket/afghan. It's going ok so far but I'll probably get bored of it before I finish it. I have a tendency to do that. Start something and never finish it.

I've been having trouble falling asleep lately. It's usually around midnight before I can fall asleep. I know the most obvious problem is Wes is not there. We never were a cuddly couple. Don't touch me when I'm sleeping was pretty much both of our attitudes. :) A very firm line in the middle of the bed.....ok, it was more like he had 3/4 and I had the rest but that was ok. Now that I have the whole bed to myself it's hard. I miss his presence even if we didn't "fall asleep in each other's arms" like I've heard other couples talk about.

The other problem is I cannot stand to not have the tv on at night. I just can't be in the bedroom without it on at night. Hell, I am just now able to walk in to the bedroom and not turn the light on. If I'm going to be in there for more than the two steps it takes to get to the bathroom I will turn the light on. I just can't do it. So the tv stays on but turned all the way down. I know it's keeping me awake but that's just too bad. It stays on for now.

I thought about trying Melatonin but haven't done it yet. I know a friend of mine uses it and likes it. I should try it because I know I'm not getting enough sleep.

Snow day X 2

So I got an email from the national weather service about a winter storm that was forecast for Tuesday evening. It was full of stuff like "life threatening wind chills" and "major weather event" and "take this situation seriously, stock up on needed medication". Pretty obvious it was going to be bad.

I spent Sunday afternoon bringing firewood up to the house in case I had to light the fireplace if we lost power, cleaning out the barn so I could fit both the pick up and my car in it, moved the scoop shovel up to the porch in case I needed to dig us out, cleaning out the fireplace that still had ashes in it from last winter. Just trying to cover all my bases just in case it got as bad as they were predicting.

Of course the news and weather guys on tv were going crazy about the storm. But this particular channel always gets hopped up on the weather and go a little nuts so I wasn't sure what to believe. I figured the more prepared I was then maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

Yesterday I had to work late which really, really ticked me off. My boss decided at almost 5 that he needed to update and learn a new program. Of course I am the only one that works til 5 so I got to stay. It was about 5:45 before I got to leave work so it was full dark by the time I got to my parents to pick up the kids. I had planned on being home and all stuff put up by dark but it all worked out in the end. Even if I was really, really aggravated when I got home.

So Monday evening we (mostly the kids) eagerly anticipated the snow, checking every hour or so and being disappointed to see none. Even when we went to bed after 11 still no snow. Well, we got snow. And more snow. But mostly wind. Oh my god, the wind. Over 40 mph with gusts to close to 50. We were under a blizzard warning for most of the day. I've only seen a blizzard warning here one other time. And it was a blizzard. My sister lives about a quarter of a mile away and we couldn't even see her house most of the day. I would not have wanted to be out in that.

Thankfully my boss is great about stuff like that and he had already told us were were closed Tuesday and he called me today to say if my kids were out of school again Wednesday then our office would be closed too. They are out of school again but they are not very excited about their second snow day. It's too darn windy and dangerously cold so I won't let them go out. They are going stir crazy. Sorry but -15 wind chill= not going outside!

So we've got another snow day tomorrow to get through. Hopefully the wind will die down so they can at least go out for a little bit.

Bragging

I can't remember if I talked about this or not and I'm too lazy to be bothered to scroll down about two scrolls and look so turn the channel if this is a rerun.

Owen got Student of the Month in December for school! Yay, I'm so proud of my boy!! We went to the little award ceremony, which was actually just a Lions club meeting, but he got a certificate and he will get his picture in the paper.

Both kids are doing really great in school. Owen is in 1st grade and Mal is in 7th. They both got their report cards and Owen got all A's and Mal got mostly A's and a couple of B's. I'm very, very proud of both of them.

Christmas is over

We had a good Christmas. The kids were very excited about it so that helped. If it wasn't for them I don't think I would have put up a tree or anything.

It's been a tough day for me. I skipped church and have basically laid around the house all day. I do that every once in a while, somedays I just can't be bothered to get dressed and get out of the house and deal with people. Ok, so I'm dressed, but not for public viewing. :) I'm in my flannel pants and t-shirt.

The headstone was set Thursday. I went out to see it and it was NOT what I was expecting. I'm not sure if it's as bad as I think it is or not. I was very shocked to see how different it was that I just took a picture with my cell phone and left. It was such an emotional thing to go out there then to see it not like I was expecting just threw me for a loop. I talked it over with my mother in law and sister in law. They both see what I don't like but they both said they liked it. I don't know. I was going to try to go back out to the cemetery today but I coudn't do it yet. Plus I need to take the kids out too. I wasn't in a place mentally where I could deal with it so I didn't. It will still be there when I'm ready.

I still miss him so much it's like missing part of myself. Even now it's still hard for me to believe that this has actually happened. I think maybe I'll eventually wake up from this nightmare.

Is it getting easier?

That's what my mother in law asked me yesterday. She knows about what I'm going through. Her husband, my husband's father, died when he was 52. She was a widow at the age of 50.

My answer was oh, I guess a little. But after I've thought about it for a while my answer now is no. It's not getting easier. The first few hours, days, weeks, the first month even was just surviving. Put one foot in front of the other to make myself get out of bed, get dressed (most days), get the kids fed and loved.

Now that we've had almost 5 months of living without him, now it's really sinking in that this is forever. He's not just gone.....he's gone forever. We're not just alone......we're alone forever.

I'm realizing that it's all up to me now. If the trash needs hauled off, it's my job. I can't say, hey you need to haul the trash off. If the satellite in the bedroom quits working, I have to figure it out (which I haven't yet). I can't say hey, the TV isn't working and have him come in and fix it in one push of a button. I've pushed every damn button on the remote and still no luck.

The more time that passes the more I realize just how hard this is and will continue to be. God, I miss him so very very much. I still can't believe he's gone.

I was just thinking the other day that I feel like I'm in a state of suspended animation. Waiting. Waiting for what, I have no idea. But I'm pretty sure I won't get it whatever it is.

But, I know that we will survive this. I know plenty of women in real life and online that have been through what we are going through and have come out the other side, alive and happy. And I'm quite sure we will, too.

A friend/co-worker of mine is trapped in an unhappy, borderline abusive marriage. I would have rather had my 19 year marriage than have hers even if it lasts 80 years. I know I was blessed beyond measure to have the husband I had even if he was gone too soon. His love is still with me helping me survive this. He's still taking care of me even now in the little stuff I find everyday. Things he did that are still helping me find my way even now.