Is it getting easier?

That's what my mother in law asked me yesterday. She knows about what I'm going through. Her husband, my husband's father, died when he was 52. She was a widow at the age of 50.

My answer was oh, I guess a little. But after I've thought about it for a while my answer now is no. It's not getting easier. The first few hours, days, weeks, the first month even was just surviving. Put one foot in front of the other to make myself get out of bed, get dressed (most days), get the kids fed and loved.

Now that we've had almost 5 months of living without him, now it's really sinking in that this is forever. He's not just gone.....he's gone forever. We're not just alone......we're alone forever.

I'm realizing that it's all up to me now. If the trash needs hauled off, it's my job. I can't say, hey you need to haul the trash off. If the satellite in the bedroom quits working, I have to figure it out (which I haven't yet). I can't say hey, the TV isn't working and have him come in and fix it in one push of a button. I've pushed every damn button on the remote and still no luck.

The more time that passes the more I realize just how hard this is and will continue to be. God, I miss him so very very much. I still can't believe he's gone.

I was just thinking the other day that I feel like I'm in a state of suspended animation. Waiting. Waiting for what, I have no idea. But I'm pretty sure I won't get it whatever it is.

But, I know that we will survive this. I know plenty of women in real life and online that have been through what we are going through and have come out the other side, alive and happy. And I'm quite sure we will, too.

A friend/co-worker of mine is trapped in an unhappy, borderline abusive marriage. I would have rather had my 19 year marriage than have hers even if it lasts 80 years. I know I was blessed beyond measure to have the husband I had even if he was gone too soon. His love is still with me helping me survive this. He's still taking care of me even now in the little stuff I find everyday. Things he did that are still helping me find my way even now.

Younger, fatter, happier times

I found this picture today when I was looking for pictures for a photo book I want to make for the kids. This was a few years ago on vacation. I was way fatter then and Wes was not :)