That's what my mother in law asked me yesterday. She knows about what I'm going through. Her husband, my husband's father, died when he was 52. She was a widow at the age of 50.
My answer was oh, I guess a little. But after I've thought about it for a while my answer now is no. It's not getting easier. The first few hours, days, weeks, the first month even was just surviving. Put one foot in front of the other to make myself get out of bed, get dressed (most days), get the kids fed and loved.
Now that we've had almost 5 months of living without him, now it's really sinking in that this is forever. He's not just gone.....he's gone forever. We're not just alone......we're alone forever.
I'm realizing that it's all up to me now. If the trash needs hauled off, it's my job. I can't say, hey you need to haul the trash off. If the satellite in the bedroom quits working, I have to figure it out (which I haven't yet). I can't say hey, the TV isn't working and have him come in and fix it in one push of a button. I've pushed every damn button on the remote and still no luck.
The more time that passes the more I realize just how hard this is and will continue to be. God, I miss him so very very much. I still can't believe he's gone.
I was just thinking the other day that I feel like I'm in a state of suspended animation. Waiting. Waiting for what, I have no idea. But I'm pretty sure I won't get it whatever it is.
But, I know that we will survive this. I know plenty of women in real life and online that have been through what we are going through and have come out the other side, alive and happy. And I'm quite sure we will, too.
A friend/co-worker of mine is trapped in an unhappy, borderline abusive marriage. I would have rather had my 19 year marriage than have hers even if it lasts 80 years. I know I was blessed beyond measure to have the husband I had even if he was gone too soon. His love is still with me helping me survive this. He's still taking care of me even now in the little stuff I find everyday. Things he did that are still helping me find my way even now.
2 comments:
I know exactly what you mean about just stumblin' through those first months. And others will echo those same statements, "Me, too". I know that that is not much comfort to you, and we all just have to get through the first months, first year pretty much by ourselves (even if you have family nearby). My husband died in mid-May (his dad had died just a few months before that), I had a decade-birthday in early July, and THEN good ol' Hurricane Ike came in September of that year (just a few days before what would have been his birthday). So much to face, to do, without him, with that hurricane coming. Draggin' in the backyard stuff into the house and garage, because the winds pick stuff up and I didn't want a window in my house or any neighbors' houses getting broken. And locating an outside water spigot that had snapped off and was POURING water out, big-time, and fixing it myself (I was so proud of that). But I think I demanded to know why he wasn't there to help me, to do HIS bit, too. Anger goes hand-in-hand with grief. But the thing is... you do get through it, even if you do NOT get over it. It's kinda like AA - one day at a time. I know you can do it. None of really WANT to do it, and that is the difference. Another {{HUG}} for you.
I found you from Around the Island. I love your site. I’m going to poke around a little bit, but don’t worry I’ll put everything back where I found it!!
Post a Comment