Hard time of year

So last week was Father's Day. Next week is the 4th of July. His favorite holiday of all time was the 4th of July. Then the week after that it will be one year since he died. One year. I can't believe it. I hadn't lived one second without him for 23 years before last July 11th and now I've lived one year without him.

For the last 8 years or so we would have a big party on the 4th. It started out as just one couple and us using the day as an excuse to drink and shoot fireworks and had morphed over the years to a big family party with both our families coming over. Still a few drinks but more kid (and parent) friendly. Wes loved fireworks, the louder and bigger the better. We never had much money but we always found a way to spend way, way too much on fireworks every year. They knew us on sight at the fireworks stand......we got free T-shirts for buying so many. :) I thought about having it again this year as a memorial to him but I just can't do it. I also talked to the kids and they both said they didn't want to have the party either. So we won't. I'm still not 100% convinced it's the right thing to do but I just don't think I can face it. But I feel almost guilty for not doing it. Guilty isn't really the right word but I can't think of a better way to describe it.

I do know that every time I drive by a fireworks stand I get teary. There is one I have to drive by on my way home from work. I usually start crying after I go by and don't stop til I'm almost home. We never even went to that fireworks stand! I don't know why it gets to me so bad but it does. I've tried to turn my head away when I drive by but that's not very easy or safe since I should, you know, keep my eyes on the road!

Hello again

It's been a long time since I've posted. Nothing new really going on here just learning how to live again, sometimes succeeding and sometimes failing but muddling through.

I still have a hard time believing that the last 11 months have actually happened to me and my kids. I'm sure that's not healthy but it's where I am right now and I'm surviving.

The kids are out of school for the summer and we are planning our vacation. It's in July. I've never looked forward to and dreaded something so much. July is when he died and we are leaving in July. I'm very excited to go but I'm also wishing that July won't come.

Tomorrow is Father's Day. It seems like everywhere I turn it's a commercial or something about Father's Day. It feels like it's way more this year than in years past but I'm sure it's just me noticing it more. I told my mom that the kids and I might not be at church tomorrow and she asked "Why?" in a very surprised voice. Um, because it's Father's day and the focus will be on fathers and their father is dead? No, I didn't say that but I wanted to. It feels like people forget that we are still hurting, like we should be moved on. I honestly feel like I lost an entire year of my life. Like time has stood still since last July 11th.

I had someone ask me about a month ago if I thought I would get remarried. What?! I couldn't believe they were asking me that but I said "at this time, no, I don't". They would.not. let it go. They kept saying how I was too young to spend my life alone, how they hoped I would change my mind. Are you serious? They even agreed that to me it probably seems like infidelity right now and it does. But still they wouldn't stop. I don't understand people. And this is a person that I've known for about 20 years and think of as a second dad. The thought of even going to dinner with another guy makes me sick to my stomach I can't even entertain the thought of getting remarried.

Well, I guess maybe I should post more often to get some of this stuff off my mind. I'm not a share-er in real life and I tend to not talk about some of this stuff. I am remembering how this blog is good for me to let stuff out. To crack open my brain and let a little of the craziness out!