Livin' in Happy Town

1 out of 3 ain't bad

2012-01-18T22:54:00.002-06:00

So, I had written my New Year's resolutions. So far I've managed to completely give up on one, stick to one and half-ass the other.

I tried to do my happiness journal. I really tried. And it's not that I'm not happy. I am. Not like I used to be but my kids make me happy. Our kitten, Snow, makes me happy. But I suck at journalling. Um, hello. Have you read my blog? I suck at writing stuff down everyday. I knew that going in to it but for some reason I thought I would be able to do it. BUT! I don't feel like it was a total bust because even though I'm not writing anything down I do feel like I'm more aware of my happiness in general because of the idea of a happiness journal.

The one I've managed to half-ass is my eating/diet plan. I'm kind of sort of becoming interested in considering maybe thinking about doing it right. I usually do it right at lunch at work. Breakfast is meh and supper at home is a giant NO. I'm not losing but I'm not gaining either so whatever. I know what I need to do I just need to find my motivation again.

The one I feel like I'm kicking butt on is my get moving resolution. I'm doing a 100 day challenge I read about online. It's simple. Just move 30 minutes a day. Add 30 minutes of exercise that's not part of your daily routine. I've managed to do it every day so far for 18 days. Yay for me! This is the longest I've stuck to any kind of routine exercise and I'm kind of proud of myself.

New Year's Blah, blah, blah

2012-01-02T09:44:00.002-06:00

I hate making New Year's resolutions. For the most part I don't do them but this year I've got some goals I want to stick to and I figured if they were in writing I might do better about sticking to them. So here they are:

1. Keep a happiness journal. I read this on a website I go to recently and I loved the idea. Keep a journal and just write done something that made me smile that day. Doesn't have to be anything big and nothing negative allowed. So if I didn't smile that day, nothing gets written down.

2. Move more. I am so pitifully out of shape it's not even funny. I'm not trying to become a super athlete or anything, I'd just like to be able to walk around with out getting winded.

3. Get back on my diet plan. Last year I did the 4 hour body plan and had great success with it. I fell off the plan due to several things, the number one being laziness. It's not hard or complicated at all and I need to get back on it.

I've got more stuff but those are my big 3. The things I feel like will have the greatest impact on my overall health and happiness so I'm going to put my main focus on those and I think the other stuff will fall in to place.

Pity Party

2011-12-26T22:31:00.003-06:00

So, I'm having myself a pity party that last few days. It's Christmas and I miss my husband so very, very much. Don't get me wrong, I miss him every second of every day. But I've been missing him more than ever now.

It seems like things would be getting easier and in some ways they are but in others they are worse. The initial shock is gone. The dust has settled from the bomb that went off in our lives July 11, 2010. But after the dust is settled you can see how bad the damage really is. I don't want to do this. I don't want to be responsible for every decision of every day that affects my kids lives. I don't want to be responsible for the house. I don't want to have to call someone to come level the house that has settled in the extreme drought we had this last summer. I don't want to walk outside and know that I'M the one responsible. We've got 5 acres which isn't that much really, for around here. I feel like the world is on my shoulders sometimes.

Ok, I got off track of my whining for a minute. Wes always spoiled me at Christmas. I miss that. God, that sounds shallow. But I miss having him around for little things like that. I just miss HIM.

Just need to get this out

2011-11-14T10:24:00.002-06:00

Sorry, vent ahead. I've got one co-worker who works everyday with me and another that works on average 1 day a week. Just whenever she comes in.

This vent is about the full-time co-worker. She's on the phone talking to someone (I think her husband) about how she can sympathise with a friend because she knows how hard it is to be a single mom. How does she know? Because her husband works shift work and is gone at night a lot. Um, no, honey you have NO idea how hard it is to be a single mom.

You might know how hard it is to do stuff at home when your husband is not around but you have no idea. At.all. Not even an inkling of an idea.

She talks to her husband multiple times a day. She knows that he's available if he needs her even if it's hard to get ahold of him at work. She knows that he's alive somewhere in this world.

So, no. Just because you might go a few days without actually seeing your husband in person does NOT mean you know what it's like.

New love

2011-10-22T21:21:00.002-05:00

Here is our newest family member here in Happy Town. Meet Snow. She's tiny and adorable and we love her very much.

Long time, no see

2011-10-19T22:04:00.003-05:00

Wow, it's been a long time since I blogged anything. I need to get back to it, I've got some stuff rattling around in my head that I need to get out and blogging helps a lot. I have the number of a grief counselor I need to call but I haven't been able to make my self make that call just quite yet. I got a note from the counselor at my kids school with the number so I know I need to call because now it's not just me it's affecting my kids.

I have a cousin, I'll call him M, who's wife died of a suspected aneurysm when their kids were young. Younger than my kids were when their dad died. My cousin had two boys and although they have grown in to nice young men they both have serious issues that I feel go back to the loss of their mom. One is off and on drugs, probably more on than we know and the other was just lost for a lot of years. :( Another cousin remarked to me after my husband died how she wishes M would have taken his boys to counselling after their mom died. It was like a light bulb went off and I realized I don't want my kids to turn out like his kids.

BUT, that is easier said than done. I've found the human mind has a remarkable ability to shut off when painful stuff happens. I don't think any of us have fully dealt with the loss yet. I don't know if I'm ready to deal with it yet.

And in my next post, I'll introduce you to the newest love of our lives around here. (As soon as I figure out which one of our computers the picture is on.)

Home sweet home

2011-07-28T19:36:00.002-05:00

I'm back from vacation. My family and I....my whole family, parents, siblings and their families spent a wonderful 10 days in Florida! We spent a couple of days at Cocoa Beach then we went to Kissimmie. We rented a big fancy house and all stayed together. It was wonderful!!

My kids got to fly on a plane for the first time, see the ocean for the first time, go to Disney & Universal for the first time. It was incredible seeing them see it for the first time. I've been to the ocean but it's been years and years......probably 30 years. I've been to Disneyland but not Disney world so that was fun for us all. And the best most awesome part...........we got to go to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter!!!!!! It was incredible and awesome and amazing and more. I think I was more excited than the kids were.

The house we rented had it's own pool so we swam everyday and didn't have to worry about others in the pool like we would in a hotel. All the adults had their own bedrooms, we had a washer and dryer so there was no mountain of laundry to do when we got home.

We packed a ton of stuff in our 10 days. The beach, Kennedy Space Center, Universal, Gatorland, Disney, Dinosaur World and of course tons of eating and shopping. I even tried sushi for the first time. I loved it! I even drove the whole time which for me is a huge step. I hate driving in a lot of traffic but by the end of the first few days I was driving like a local. I'm very proud of me. lol

We're home now and it's back to the hot, dry crappy weather here. It was hot down there but nothing like it is here. It was instantly dripping with sweat hot but not baking in an oven going to die if you stay outside hot like it is here. Blah! We need rain so bad here.

I'm glad to be back but I'd love to be in that house and that pool again!

Hard time of year

2011-06-26T19:15:00.002-05:00

So last week was Father's Day. Next week is the 4th of July. His favorite holiday of all time was the 4th of July. Then the week after that it will be one year since he died. One year. I can't believe it. I hadn't lived one second without him for 23 years before last July 11th and now I've lived one year without him.

For the last 8 years or so we would have a big party on the 4th. It started out as just one couple and us using the day as an excuse to drink and shoot fireworks and had morphed over the years to a big family party with both our families coming over. Still a few drinks but more kid (and parent) friendly. Wes loved fireworks, the louder and bigger the better. We never had much money but we always found a way to spend way, way too much on fireworks every year. They knew us on sight at the fireworks stand......we got free T-shirts for buying so many. :) I thought about having it again this year as a memorial to him but I just can't do it. I also talked to the kids and they both said they didn't want to have the party either. So we won't. I'm still not 100% convinced it's the right thing to do but I just don't think I can face it. But I feel almost guilty for not doing it. Guilty isn't really the right word but I can't think of a better way to describe it.

I do know that every time I drive by a fireworks stand I get teary. There is one I have to drive by on my way home from work. I usually start crying after I go by and don't stop til I'm almost home. We never even went to that fireworks stand! I don't know why it gets to me so bad but it does. I've tried to turn my head away when I drive by but that's not very easy or safe since I should, you know, keep my eyes on the road!

Hello again

2011-06-18T19:20:00.002-05:00

It's been a long time since I've posted. Nothing new really going on here just learning how to live again, sometimes succeeding and sometimes failing but muddling through.

I still have a hard time believing that the last 11 months have actually happened to me and my kids. I'm sure that's not healthy but it's where I am right now and I'm surviving.

The kids are out of school for the summer and we are planning our vacation. It's in July. I've never looked forward to and dreaded something so much. July is when he died and we are leaving in July. I'm very excited to go but I'm also wishing that July won't come.

Tomorrow is Father's Day. It seems like everywhere I turn it's a commercial or something about Father's Day. It feels like it's way more this year than in years past but I'm sure it's just me noticing it more. I told my mom that the kids and I might not be at church tomorrow and she asked "Why?" in a very surprised voice. Um, because it's Father's day and the focus will be on fathers and their father is dead? No, I didn't say that but I wanted to. It feels like people forget that we are still hurting, like we should be moved on. I honestly feel like I lost an entire year of my life. Like time has stood still since last July 11th.

I had someone ask me about a month ago if I thought I would get remarried. What?! I couldn't believe they were asking me that but I said "at this time, no, I don't". They would.not. let it go. They kept saying how I was too young to spend my life alone, how they hoped I would change my mind. Are you serious? They even agreed that to me it probably seems like infidelity right now and it does. But still they wouldn't stop. I don't understand people. And this is a person that I've known for about 20 years and think of as a second dad. The thought of even going to dinner with another guy makes me sick to my stomach I can't even entertain the thought of getting remarried.

Well, I guess maybe I should post more often to get some of this stuff off my mind. I'm not a share-er in real life and I tend to not talk about some of this stuff. I am remembering how this blog is good for me to let stuff out. To crack open my brain and let a little of the craziness out!

Life Lessons

2011-03-18T16:01:00.004-05:00

Haven't done this for a while.....a couple of life lessons I've picked up lately.

First, when you sign up for automatic bill pay on your television satellite service don't forget and go ahead and pay the bill from your bank's online bill pay service. If you do you will notice a $100 difference in your bank account balance.

Second, when you pay your credit card bill from your bank's online bill pay service make sure you haven't already set up the same payment for a different day. If you do you will notice an additional $100 difference in your bank account balance.

I'm so glad I could share my bits of wisdom with you today.

Things I wanted/things I've got

2011-03-09T22:35:00.002-06:00

I used to say that all I wanted was to be able to pay our bills as we got them in. I never wanted to be "rich". Just able to pay our bills and have a little left over, which I guess would be considered rich in a lot of the world. I was thinking the other day about how I've now got what I wanted.

House paid off......check
No car payment......check
No drowning in credit card debt.......check
No worrying about what bill to pay when.....check
Tractor paid off......check
Hell, I've even always wanted a ficus tree and now I've got one.

The one thing I would trade it all for.....to have him back, to have him not die.

Yes, he had life insurance. Yes, it was enough to pay all our bills with some left over to save. Yes, someone even gave me a damn ficus tree.

I don't want any of it. I want him. God, I miss him so much. I don't even know how long it's been since he died. You would think it would be burned in to my brain the exact number of months, days, minutes but it's not. It still feels like it was yesterday. The hurt, the pain and loneliness is still there like it's always been. I wake up with it, I go about my day with it, I go to bed with it. It's always there in my head. He's dead. I'm alone. He's gone. I miss him so much.

Still here

2011-02-23T14:28:00.003-06:00

I know I haven't posted much lately but honestly, there's not been much to post. Life goes on. Even though it doesn't seem like it should, the sun still rises everyday and school is still there and work is still there.

I'm trying to keep busy so I've decided to relearn how to crochet. Not that I ever knew how to do much past the basics but I decided to try again. I think I'm getting it better this time around. I've made a few scarves for the kids and I made a stocking hat that's too small for my head. It's cute and pink so I think I might give it to my cousin's granddaughter that catches the school bus at my house everyday.

I'm now attempting to make a blanket/afghan. It's going ok so far but I'll probably get bored of it before I finish it. I have a tendency to do that. Start something and never finish it.

I've been having trouble falling asleep lately. It's usually around midnight before I can fall asleep. I know the most obvious problem is Wes is not there. We never were a cuddly couple. Don't touch me when I'm sleeping was pretty much both of our attitudes. :) A very firm line in the middle of the bed.....ok, it was more like he had 3/4 and I had the rest but that was ok. Now that I have the whole bed to myself it's hard. I miss his presence even if we didn't "fall asleep in each other's arms" like I've heard other couples talk about.

The other problem is I cannot stand to not have the tv on at night. I just can't be in the bedroom without it on at night. Hell, I am just now able to walk in to the bedroom and not turn the light on. If I'm going to be in there for more than the two steps it takes to get to the bathroom I will turn the light on. I just can't do it. So the tv stays on but turned all the way down. I know it's keeping me awake but that's just too bad. It stays on for now.

I thought about trying Melatonin but haven't done it yet. I know a friend of mine uses it and likes it. I should try it because I know I'm not getting enough sleep.

Snow day X 2

2011-02-02T00:06:00.002-06:00

So I got an email from the national weather service about a winter storm that was forecast for Tuesday evening. It was full of stuff like "life threatening wind chills" and "major weather event" and "take this situation seriously, stock up on needed medication". Pretty obvious it was going to be bad.

I spent Sunday afternoon bringing firewood up to the house in case I had to light the fireplace if we lost power, cleaning out the barn so I could fit both the pick up and my car in it, moved the scoop shovel up to the porch in case I needed to dig us out, cleaning out the fireplace that still had ashes in it from last winter. Just trying to cover all my bases just in case it got as bad as they were predicting.

Of course the news and weather guys on tv were going crazy about the storm. But this particular channel always gets hopped up on the weather and go a little nuts so I wasn't sure what to believe. I figured the more prepared I was then maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

Yesterday I had to work late which really, really ticked me off. My boss decided at almost 5 that he needed to update and learn a new program. Of course I am the only one that works til 5 so I got to stay. It was about 5:45 before I got to leave work so it was full dark by the time I got to my parents to pick up the kids. I had planned on being home and all stuff put up by dark but it all worked out in the end. Even if I was really, really aggravated when I got home.

So Monday evening we (mostly the kids) eagerly anticipated the snow, checking every hour or so and being disappointed to see none. Even when we went to bed after 11 still no snow. Well, we got snow. And more snow. But mostly wind. Oh my god, the wind. Over 40 mph with gusts to close to 50. We were under a blizzard warning for most of the day. I've only seen a blizzard warning here one other time. And it was a blizzard. My sister lives about a quarter of a mile away and we couldn't even see her house most of the day. I would not have wanted to be out in that.

Thankfully my boss is great about stuff like that and he had already told us were were closed Tuesday and he called me today to say if my kids were out of school again Wednesday then our office would be closed too. They are out of school again but they are not very excited about their second snow day. It's too darn windy and dangerously cold so I won't let them go out. They are going stir crazy. Sorry but -15 wind chill= not going outside!

So we've got another snow day tomorrow to get through. Hopefully the wind will die down so they can at least go out for a little bit.

Bragging

2011-01-17T22:35:00.002-06:00

I can't remember if I talked about this or not and I'm too lazy to be bothered to scroll down about two scrolls and look so turn the channel if this is a rerun.

Owen got Student of the Month in December for school! Yay, I'm so proud of my boy!! We went to the little award ceremony, which was actually just a Lions club meeting, but he got a certificate and he will get his picture in the paper.

Both kids are doing really great in school. Owen is in 1st grade and Mal is in 7th. They both got their report cards and Owen got all A's and Mal got mostly A's and a couple of B's. I'm very, very proud of both of them.

Christmas is over

2010-12-26T18:27:00.002-06:00

We had a good Christmas. The kids were very excited about it so that helped. If it wasn't for them I don't think I would have put up a tree or anything.

It's been a tough day for me. I skipped church and have basically laid around the house all day. I do that every once in a while, somedays I just can't be bothered to get dressed and get out of the house and deal with people. Ok, so I'm dressed, but not for public viewing. :) I'm in my flannel pants and t-shirt.

The headstone was set Thursday. I went out to see it and it was NOT what I was expecting. I'm not sure if it's as bad as I think it is or not. I was very shocked to see how different it was that I just took a picture with my cell phone and left. It was such an emotional thing to go out there then to see it not like I was expecting just threw me for a loop. I talked it over with my mother in law and sister in law. They both see what I don't like but they both said they liked it. I don't know. I was going to try to go back out to the cemetery today but I coudn't do it yet. Plus I need to take the kids out too. I wasn't in a place mentally where I could deal with it so I didn't. It will still be there when I'm ready.

I still miss him so much it's like missing part of myself. Even now it's still hard for me to believe that this has actually happened. I think maybe I'll eventually wake up from this nightmare.

Is it getting easier?

2010-11-27T13:30:00.003-06:00

That's what my mother in law asked me yesterday. She knows about what I'm going through. Her husband, my husband's father, died when he was 52. She was a widow at the age of 50.

My answer was oh, I guess a little. But after I've thought about it for a while my answer now is no. It's not getting easier. The first few hours, days, weeks, the first month even was just surviving. Put one foot in front of the other to make myself get out of bed, get dressed (most days), get the kids fed and loved.

Now that we've had almost 5 months of living without him, now it's really sinking in that this is forever. He's not just gone.....he's gone forever. We're not just alone......we're alone forever.

I'm realizing that it's all up to me now. If the trash needs hauled off, it's my job. I can't say, hey you need to haul the trash off. If the satellite in the bedroom quits working, I have to figure it out (which I haven't yet). I can't say hey, the TV isn't working and have him come in and fix it in one push of a button. I've pushed every damn button on the remote and still no luck.

The more time that passes the more I realize just how hard this is and will continue to be. God, I miss him so very very much. I still can't believe he's gone.

I was just thinking the other day that I feel like I'm in a state of suspended animation. Waiting. Waiting for what, I have no idea. But I'm pretty sure I won't get it whatever it is.

But, I know that we will survive this. I know plenty of women in real life and online that have been through what we are going through and have come out the other side, alive and happy. And I'm quite sure we will, too.

A friend/co-worker of mine is trapped in an unhappy, borderline abusive marriage. I would have rather had my 19 year marriage than have hers even if it lasts 80 years. I know I was blessed beyond measure to have the husband I had even if he was gone too soon. His love is still with me helping me survive this. He's still taking care of me even now in the little stuff I find everyday. Things he did that are still helping me find my way even now.

Younger, fatter, happier times

2010-11-18T20:46:00.002-06:00

I found this picture today when I was looking for pictures for a photo book I want to make for the kids. This was a few years ago on vacation. I was way fatter then and Wes was not :)

I love this picture

2010-10-29T23:40:00.003-05:00

I don't know why exactly but I love this picture. I found it when I got M's digital camera pictures loaded on to the camera a few weeks after dh died. It just stopped me in my tracks when I saw it. Love.it.

Hmmm

2010-10-24T19:32:00.002-05:00

Well, sometime in the last few days I had a great idea for a post. Something thought provoking and poignant, I'm sure. And today? Damned if I can remember what it was. So I'll just go with a post saying I'm OK.

The kids are OK. Sometimes I worry that they are too OK. Is that possible? I've tried to keep life as much the same as I can for them. We still tease, we still laugh, we still watch our favorite shows on tv.

I worry that I've done too good of a job on that. Neither one of them really talk about him at all. If I bring him up they will smile about a fun memory or say they miss him if I say it first. But they never bring him up first.

I'm going to have them both talk to the school counselor. At least once to make sure they are not having problems that I can't see. I talked to both of their teachers at parent teacher conferences Friday and neither one of them have noticed any problems at school. Both kids are getting A's and B's and have not behavior problems in the class room.

M's teacher told me something she had overheard at the beginning of the year. A friend of M asked her how things were at her house since her dad was gone. M answered "my mom makes it ok". I hope she's right.

Bathtub

2010-10-18T22:10:00.002-05:00

Have you ever laid in the bathtub while the water was draining out? Stayed in until the water was completely gone? You feel like you weigh a thousand pounds. Like there is a force pushing you down and it's hard to get up. Like gravity is 10 times as strong holding you down.

Yeah, I've decided that's what grief feels like. Some days I feel like I'm being crushed with the weight of it and if I laid down it would be next to impossible to get back up.

A break from the usual

2010-09-30T14:56:00.003-05:00

No sad depressing posts today. Why? Because today is my baby's birthday!!! His 7th birthday to be exact. I cannot believe my little baby boy is 7 *sobbing* How did my "little" 8lb 15oz baby boy get to be 7 years old already?

It seems like just yesterday I was at the dr for my weekly check when he told me I was technically in labor and I could go to the hospital if I wanted to. I called Wes to tell him so I drove back home (20 minutes away), got Wes and we got in his car, took his paycheck to the bank and drove back to the hospital. 3 hours later our perfect little baby boy was born ♥

Owen was born with a true knot in his umbilical cord! The dr. said we should name him Lucky because we could have easily lost him. But instead here I am 7 years later with my perfect freckle faced boy. My lego creating, wii playing, Scooby Doo, Transformers, Iron Man loving boy.

Happy Birthday sweetie and thanks for the birthday kiss and hug you decided to allow me this morning. I love you more than anything!

Happy Birthday

2010-09-17T21:27:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is Wes's 39th birthday. I think this will be worse than my 39th birthday that was a few weeks ago. I had been thinking earlier this year about how next year we would both be turning 40 and I was already planning in my head how we would have a big cookout and celebrate our birthdays with our friends and family.

I just can't believe that we won't have that together. Instead I went to town today and ordered our headstone for the cemetery. Happy Birthday honey, I got you a headstone!

I guess it's for me too since it will have my name on it as well. That is something that I kind of struggled with. I'm 39. Do I really want to go ahead and buy my headstone? But then again, I can't even imagine putting one up for him with out me being with him, too. We've been together over half our lives, it would seem like a huge betrayal to him to put up a single stone. It's always been Kim & Wes. Wes & Kim. I couldn't leave him out there alone. No way.

Bike

2010-09-01T18:30:00.002-05:00

We've all seen the gag on cartoons, I'm sure. A kid gets a new bike and while riding it somehow it gets run over by a truck or street sweeper...when it comes out the other side, it's still perfect. Maybe even a little shiny-er. But when the kid goes to get on it, it collapses in to a thousand pieces.

Yeah, that's how I feel. Like a vase that's been broken and glued back together and still looks good, but will leak when it's filled with water.

I am on an overnight work trip tonight to the big city. My kids are staying with my parents. My first thought when I got to the hotel room was I gotta call Wes and tell him I made it here safely and how horrible the traffic was on the way down.

I didn't want to stay over night at all. I didn't want to leave the kids or leave the house, but I have to keep my job, don't I? I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown but I know we will probably go out to eat this evening so I have to hold it off.

So for now, I'll be the shiny bike.

I miss him

2010-08-22T21:17:00.001-05:00

I really, really miss him. That's all, I just miss him a lot.

Bedtime

2010-08-17T22:22:00.002-05:00

School is back in session here. The kids went back today and according to them all went well. I was a little nervous about them going back and having to possibly deal with kids asking them about their dad. Not that I thought any kids would be cruel but kids are curious and even teachers might want to give hugs and whatnot. But they both said the day went fine.

There is one problem for me, however. Bedtime. Lately, the kids and I have been staying up late. Very late. O usually fell asleep first then M and I would stay up watching tv or playing on the laptops until we, ok I, couldn't stay up any longer and then go to bed or couch. Well, last night M slept in her own bed and went to bed about 10. O also slept in his bed and went to bed a little after 10 when he got out of the shower. This left me at loose ends. I wasn't tired by any means and I hate to go in the bedroom unless I'm ready to drop. I went to bed because I didn't want to leave the tv and lights on in the living room and disturb the kids but I did not like it one bit. In fact, it was after 1 before I fell asleep and I had to get up at 6:30. That made for a long, tired day.

But yet, here I am again putting off going to bed. I hate going in there, even in the daytime but nights are the worst. Then mornings are the worst when I wake up. My SIL said recently about how she will wake up and it takes a minute to realize what's happened. Yeah, no. I wake up and the first thought I have is "he's gone". It's instant and constant and relentless.

One month ago

2010-08-10T19:43:00.002-05:00

One month ago today was the best day my little family had in a long, long time.

We spent the whole day together as a family. We got up and for once I didn't sleep til 11! I cooked breakfast burritos, we hung out together. The kids wanted to swim in our pool (just one of those blue pools like everyone has) so they swam. I decided to join them then Wes decided to swim too. It was a rare thing for all four of us to be in the pool together but that day we did. We played and had fun. Wes and I were flirting with each other like we always did, even snuck in a few kisses here and there.

Then we got out of the pool, got cleaned up and decided to go plan our vacation for July 23. We were going to take the train to Ft. Worth, stay a couple of days and even tour the new Dallas Cowboys stadium while we were there. We were all excited to be going to TEXAS, especially Mallory. She'd always dreamed of going to Texas :)

After planning that Wes wanted to go to a local Mexican food place for supper. This is a rare thing as Wes usually hated to go out in public. But this night it was his idea so off we went. This restaurant has been sketchy in the past but on this particular night it was delicious, the best it's been in a long time.

When we got home the kids were still in good moods, no one got in trouble for being whiny or threw any fits (even me). Owen went to bed when it was bedtime. I went and got in the tub for my standard Saturday night bathtub date with a book. Wes and Mallory stayed up late watching tv. I could hear the sound of them talking but couldn't make out any words.

Looking back, I can see how it was the absolute perfect day, full of family and love. Just the memory of it makes me smile.

Who knew that that perfect day could lead to the nightmare that was to come just a few short hours later. All day I've been thinking of what we were doing a month ago and how we only had a few hours left but we didn't know it. I'll think of how excited the kids were to get the vacation planned not knowing that we would never get to go. Or how Wes and I were sneaking kisses and touches in the pool not knowing that we would never get that chance again. We would tease the kids and kiss in front of them but if they only knew what we were doing when they weren't looking they would have really gagged :).

I love him so much and I miss him with every atom of my being. I'm so glad we had such a good last day to remember.

It's so quiet in here

2010-08-06T22:07:00.002-05:00

The house is so quiet. Even with me and the kids along with my niece who is spending the night and the tv on a movie turned up loud enough to be heard over the very loud air conditioner unit. It's silent in here. So quiet, it's deafening.

It's like the house is empty even when it's full. A big gaping emptiness that can't be filled with anyone or anything. God, I miss him so, so much.

People say every that goes by gets easier and it might in time, but for now every day that goes by is a day that takes me farther and farther away from him. And that's so tough to face right now.

Feeling lost

2010-08-03T22:19:00.002-05:00

I've been feeling weird all day. I finally pinpointed the feeling. Lost. Like half my body has been ripped away. Like I'm missing a limb. Lonely and lost.

I miss him so much. I lived with him in my life for 23 years and it's been 24 days without him. I think it's finally starting to sink in. First few days and even weeks I was just numb. I couldn't believe that this had happened. I still can't believe it. I feel like it can't be real, I should be waking up any minute and then I can cry and tell him about my nightmare. He can hold me while I cry and I can feel his arms around me while he tells me he would never leave me and that he loves me forever.

The more days go by the more I have to realize this is real and it's forever. God, I miss him so much. I love you Wes.

Can't turn it off

2010-07-30T21:46:00.003-05:00

This song, especially the chorus has been stuck in my head for the last few days. I don't know why I remembered it in the first place but it's been running through my head almost constantly.

Never thought I'd be in this place
It's someone else's life I'm living
Wish I were living a lie
The hardest part is when the bough breaks
Falling down and then forgiving
You didn't kiss me good-bye
I'm choking on the words I didn't get to say
And pray I get the chance one day

I still run, I still swing open the door
I still think, you'll be there like before
Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around
Some things a heart won't listen to
I'm still holding out for you

I can hear you smile in the dark
I can even feel you breathing
But daylight chases the ghosts
I see your coat and I fall apart
To those hints of you I'm clinging
Now's when I need them most
I should get up, dry my eyes and move ahead
At least that's what you would have said

I still run, I still swing open the door
I still think, you'll be there like before
Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around
Some things a heart won't listen to
I'm still holding out for you

Faithfully, I trace your name while you sleep
It's the only true comfort I feel

I still run, I still swing open the door
I still think you'll be there like before

I still run, I still swing open the door
I still think, you'll be there like before
Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around
Some things a heart won't listen to
I'm still holding out for you

Holding out
Holding out for you

That's how I want to go

2010-07-22T22:26:00.003-05:00

I've always heard people say this when someone dies suddenly. I know that they mean they don't want to suffer and linger on. Of course no one wants to think that they are sick and dying for months but good hell, dying suddenly is NOT the way to go, either.

When Wes died it was sudden. He was alive one minute and dead the next. Our kids went to bed thinking everything was fine and they were woken up the next morning to the news that their Daddy died. I had to watch him dying on the bedroom floor while I cried and screamed and tried to help him. I had to watch the ambulance drivers load him up and take him out of the house. You know when the EMT give you a hug and says we're praying for you it's bad news. I had to go to the hospital and see him on the table and listen to the dr. call the time of death.

All I could do was kiss his face and whisper to him that I loved him and beg him not to leave me. But he couldn't hear me, he was already gone.

Wes and I always said "I love you". There was nothing left unsaid, ever. But damn it all to hell I would have liked to have a second to say goodbye and give the kids a chance to tell their Daddy goodbye. Even a few minutes of time would have been the greatest gift we could have been given.

Hearing people say that's how I want to go is right up there with "these things happen for a reason". They both make me want to throat punch someone. This did not happen for a reason. There are some things that I am grateful for in all this. Number one being that it was me and not one of the kids that was with him at the end. As much as I don't want to see what I saw, I would see it again a thousand times to keep my kids from seeing one second of it.

But there is no way there is a reason he died. No reason to any of this. I just want to scream at the universe......I don't want this. I refuse this, I won't accept this so make it go away.

Wondering why

2010-07-19T23:00:00.002-05:00

Why did he have to die? Why did he have to die in front of me? Why did I have to go to the hospital and see the love of my life sprawled out dead on the table? Why did my dad have to see me saying goodbye to him? Why am I 38 and a widow? Why are my kids 11 and 6 and without a daddy? Why did I have to ask friends and family to be pall bearers? Why did I have to do laundry so he would have socks and underwear to be buried in? Why did I have to kiss him one last time before the casket was closed? Why am I going to have to take care of this place without him? Why will we not get to have a 25th or 50th wedding anniversary party? Why has my mother-in-law had to bury her only son and her husband? Why do I have to sleep alone? Why will I never get to feel his kiss or smell his scent again or feel his whiskers when I kiss his cheek? Why are there so many assholes who live forever and great guys like him die young?

One Week

2010-07-18T21:29:00.002-05:00

One week has passed since my world was destroyed. 7 days. Sometimes it feels like it's been 7 years and other times 7 seconds. I just can't believe that he is gone forever. He can't be gone, I'm not strong enough to get through this without him which is totally stupid because if he was here, I wouldn't be going through this, would I?

I was talking to an old high school friend this morning who had called to say how sorry he was. He told me that from the first time Wes saw me, he loved me. I can't tell you how much that meant to me to hear that. God, I love him so much.

Nighttime is the worst. The closer it gets to bedtime,the harder my heart beats and the tighter my chest gets. I did manage to sleep in bed last night. I've been sleeping on the couch and the kids are sleeping on the loveseats in living room with me, but last night I decided to try the bed and I made it all night. I hope I can do it again, sleeping on the couch just wasn't working, I needed some real sleep and I wasn't getting it on the couch.

I still can't believe that this is all true, it feels like I'm standing outside of myself and this is happening to someone else.

Don't wait

2010-07-12T21:25:00.002-05:00

Don't wait until it's too late. Be sure to tell your family you love them. You never know when a second will pass and it will be too late. And you never get that time back.

Follow up

2010-06-25T11:17:00.002-05:00

Well, Father's Day came and went. I didn't do anything spectacular, quite the opposite actually. I did tell him Happy Father's Day and eventually made him some breakfast burritos for supper. The kids signed a card that M had picked out and that was that.

In honor of Father's Day (only almost a week late) here is one of my very favorite pictures of him and O. I also have a favorite of him and M but in her babyhood we didn't have a digital camera so just imagine a new daddy gazing lovingly in to his baby daughters face. ♥♥

Golden Rule

2010-06-16T22:16:00.002-05:00

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That's the golden rule, right? I'm having a hard time with this lately. It's turning in to do unto others have they have done to you.

On Mother's Day my entire family blew me off. I got a half hearted happy mother's day. I'm having a hard time even trying to want to do anything for dh this Father's Day. It's in a few days and I really haven't even put any effort in to thinking of what to get dh. I try to treat him how I want to be treated but I swear sometimes it's an effort. But I really don't want to fall in to that rut. I think that's a dangerous path to get on in a marriage, pretty soon you both end up treating each other like crap.

So I'll just keep on keeping on...fake it 'til I make it. I'm sure I'll end up doing something for Father's Day and it will be fantastic and he will love it. Or not.

Waaaah!

2010-06-08T19:17:00.002-05:00

Well, the day I've been dreading for about 5 years has finally happened. The people who own the land across the road from us have started building their house. WHY?????

Why do they have to build by us? They have an entire mile and hundreds of acres to choose from but yet, they decide to build across the road from us.

If I wanted to have neighbors I'd live in fricking town. God, this really pisses me off and I just want to lay down and scream and kick and throw a huge tantrum.

I'm trying to find some positive thoughts about it and the only one I can come up with is at least we know they are nice, normal people. Not meth heads that we would need to be scared of. And they are older but still young enough to live there for probably a long time so they won't be selling to anyone any time soon.

But still!!! Waaaaaaaaaaaah. I don't like this, not one bit.

Friday Photo

2010-06-04T09:54:00.003-05:00

Here's one I haven't done for a long time. Friday Photo!! This is the view basically from my front door. This was taken a year or so ago but it's the same really. Maybe a little more green in this picutre as it looks like it was after a rain.

Let the summer begin!

2010-05-29T23:12:00.002-05:00

We put up our pool yesterday. The kids were going crazy asking when we were going to put it up and yesterday dh agreed to do it so up it went. It wasn't too bad putting it up, nothing like last year. Last year we had to put down the sand pad and make sure it was level. This year we had the pad so we just had to smooth out the top and we were good to go.

It filled up over night, dh got up at 2 and turned the water off. He said the birds and the frogs were going crazy at 2 am. I love to sit outside and listen to the birds and frogs but not at 2 am!! There seems to be a lot of frogs at the pond this year if the noise level is anything to go by. They seem extra noisy this year.

Back to the pool. It filled up over night and was freezing this morning! I couldn't even put my hand in the water. Of course the kids were chomping at the bit to go in. Brother got in while me and sister went to town to buy swimming suits. They both got in this evening but it was still too cold for me. I don't like cold water LOL.

So I guess this is the official start of the summer at the happy town household.

If I don't go to bed...

2010-05-23T22:57:00.003-05:00

I won't have to get up tomorrow, right? I usually end up messing around and staying up late on Sunday's getting laundry done. Well, tonight I actually have clean clothes for everyone to wear tomorrow but I still don't want to go to bed. I hate Monday's and I'm trying to delay it as long as possible. Real smart, right?

The kids both start summer school tomorrow. Not because they are struggling in school but for fun. Our school has 2 weeks after school is out that they focus on reading and math. They make it really fun for the kids and it's only til noon everyday.

But instead going to bed because I need to get up earlier than usual, I'm staying up late playing on the interwebs. And now CSI:NY is on and I love this show but if I watch the whole thing I'll be up til 11:30 which is actually not as late as I thought. Hmmmm, that's only 30 more minutes. I might just stay up anyway.

Tassels

2010-05-18T22:55:00.004-05:00

They grow up so fast! Yes, it's cliche, but it's true. It seems like just yesterday that my sister called me to tell me I was going to be an aunt. I was so surprised it took me a minute to even figure out what she was talking about. What? Who? Oh!......you mean you are having a baby!

And Saturday morning that baby graduated from High School! Wow, my little baby nephew is 17 (18 in a little more than a month) and is a high school graduate. I can't believe it. He's such a great kid. Funny, talented...he plays guitar, not that I've ever heard him play!, compassionate...he got a "red cord" to wear with his graduation robe for donating a certain amount of blood during his high school career and he also has gone on several mission trips with a friends church.

I'm very proud of him and I know he will go far in life once he figures out what he wants to do and gets a chance to be on his own.

The same time my nephew is graduating from high school MY baby is graduating from Kindergarten! How the heck did that happen?!?! My baby was only born like yesterday and now he's already 6. At his little graduation ceremony they had on the wall "Class of 2022" Whoa! That was a shock seeing that! I figured it out and I'll be 50 when he graduates from high school! LOL

Sister is getting ready to be in 7th grade when school starts back in August so in just two years she'll be graduating from 8th grade. *sob* I wish I could grab time and just slow it down a little.

Happy Mother's Day to me

2010-05-09T13:08:00.003-05:00

I woke up today with a smile thinking of the Mother's Day breakfast in bed my kids (mostly dd) always fix me. I waited and waited but then couldn't wait any longer becuase I needed to take a shower and get ready for church. So I took my shower then made a lot of noise so they would know I was up and about. I heard the microwave so I was thinking that breakfast was coming. I go in the living room and see dd on the computer, ds playing with his toys and dh making himself breakfast.

Wow, thanks everybody. Once again I come in last around here. I get a half hearted "happy mother's day" from my kids after they heard someone on the news mention it was Mother's Day. Nothing special. No papers made at school, nothing made at home. Just a whine that they had to stop what they were doing to get ready for church.

I've been trying not to cry all day and right now I'm not having much success at that. Sorry to be such a downer, I just needed to get this out and I know if I say anything to anyone at home, I'll just get even more upset.

Back on the wagon

2010-05-04T22:55:00.002-05:00

Well, tomorrow I will be getting back on the exercise wagon. I had an unexpected detour thanks to 3 days of.......shall we say....intestinal troubles. I started feeling a little gurgley in the tummy region Thursday night and all hell broke loose (no pun intended) after that. Oh my!! I was never far from the bathroom, but I did manage to lose 7 pounds!

I am finally feeling much, much better today. Back to normal, really. So tomorrow morning it's back to the grind.

Yes, I could have probably worked out today but I just didn't want to! It was my uncle's funeral today and I had to help with the dinner at church. I picked my mom up at 10:15 this morning and we got home at 20 til 5 this evening. What a long day! I was glad to be able to help out though. This was an uncle by marriage I guess you would say. He was married to my dad's sister who died about 25 years ago. Wow, has it been that long? I think she died in 85 so yes, I think it has been. But, he was my uncle when I was born and his kids are my cousins so he's still my uncle now. It wasn't unexpected as he'd been going downhill fast with Alzheimer's but still it's sad for his kids and grand kids to know that he's gone.

Then tonight at 7 was 8th grade graduation at my kids school. I don't have a kid in the 8th grade (yet! in 2 years I will) But I am on the board so I got to hand out the diplomas. Congratulations and handshakes all around!! Congratulations to the graduating class of 2010.

So all in all, it was a very long day. And with that I believe I will put the kids clothes in the dryer and head off to bed!

Day two also a success!

2010-04-27T16:15:00.003-05:00

I made it up again this morning to workout!! And it was hard, it was freezing in our house and I just wanted to crawl even deeper under the covers but I didn't. I got up and got going!! Woo-hoo for me! I guess I got warm by getting my blood pumping.

It got down in the mid thirites last night so it was freaking cold in our house. We turned the heater off.....hello! it's the end of April, it's not supposed to be cold. We were even under a frost advisory last night but at least all I have planted in my garden is onions. I don't think the frost would hurt the onions. Now a freeze that's a different story but a frost should be ok.

And in other exciting news.....I'm getting a haircut tomorrow!!! The first time I've had my hair cut since October. It's long. And shapeless. And long. I don't mind the length in the back it's the stupid bangs past my chin that I can't stand.

This is me in February...

This is me now....

So you can see how much it's grown in a few months. And embarassingly enough I believe I have the same shirt on. LOL I guess I need to go shopping.

I did it!

2010-04-26T11:24:00.003-05:00

I actually got up 30 minutes early this morning and worked out!! First time EVER! And it wasn't that hard, really. Of course the fact that I am agonizing about something at work and not sleeping well might have helped. But when I worry about stuff and cant' sleep I usually manage to fall in to a deep sleep about 10 minutes before the alarm goes off.

Anyway, I'm excited about the fact that I actually got up and exercised voluntarily. On my own. Go me.

Trying again

2010-04-25T22:38:00.002-05:00

Well, I posted a while back about trying to go a week without spending any unnecessary money. I did great that week and ok the next but completely went off the deep end the weeks after that. Any my bank account shows it. So, I'm trying again. Starting tomorrow I'm going this next week without spending any money. Except essentials of course. And no, stopping at the golden arches is not an essential no matter how hungry I am LOL. My bowl of cereal at home will work just fine, thank you.

I'm also trying to get back on my workout routine. I did great then slowed down then quit all together. Huh, that's the story of my life on most things. But I just did a workout and have changed my alarm in the morning so I can get up and do it first thing. We'll see how that goes. I hate with the intensity of a thousand suns getting up early. And early to me is before.....oh, say....9 LOL That doesn't work out most days as I have to be at work at 9. But on the weekends oh how I love to sleep in! And thank God I was blessed with kids that also love to sleep in. Also a husband that gets up "early" and lets me sleep in on Saturday.

I really do love him. Sometimes he drives me up the wall but listening to someone I know talk to her husband on the phone the other day just made me appreciate my hubby even more. Her husband is an arrogant jerk and I really can't stand him.

Anyway, wish me luck on my money purging or fasting I guess you could call it. It's a cleanse for money instead of food.

Perfect day

2010-04-10T20:58:00.002-05:00

Today was a perfect day. We spent time together as a family outside. Not doing much of anything just being together. We did move the pile of junk to a better spot in the yard so you can't see it from the road. We all helped pile stuff on the trailer so it could be moved. Then when it was time to unload the trailer, brother says Well, I'll be in the house and off he went!! LOL He stayed inside for about 15 minutes while me and dh unloaded the trailer. And of course, by saying that dh and I did it, I really mean that dh did 90% of the work and I did 10%. While we worked sister laid on the end of the trailer and soaked up the sun.

Speaking of sun, I am a true redneck now after the sunburn I got today.LOL

But the point is that it was so nice to be together today and to be outside in the fresh air. It was a little windy but without the wind it would have been way too hot.

Now we are inside since the sun went down and we are spending some quality family time watching "Tommy Boy". I love that movie..........What'd you do???? Ah.... that never gets old.

That's not funny

2010-03-26T12:21:00.003-05:00

A few days ago, OK, wait. A few weeks, maybe even over a month ago, my nephew who is a senior in high school, told us about an assignment his senior English class had. They all had to make a "memory book". Yeah, seniors in high school making memory books. They had to have pictures and "be creative". Now according to the teacher being creative doesn't have to be expensive. Yeah, right lady. How can you make anything creative without spending a lot of money?

Anyway, they had a set of chapters they had to include in their book and if they did not include something for every chapter they were in very real danger of getting a failing grade. Oh, and this particular memory book is worth 30% of their second semester grade! 30% of their grade on what amounts to busy work. For seniors. In high school.

Also a required element of this book was the epilogue. An epilogue which HAD to be titled......"If I had to live my life over again I would..." HELLO!! They are kids, how much life have they lived? And how much could they actually do over? They don't have a choice where they live or go to school or when they get to start driving or a lot of things. My nephew wrote his in a humourous way which I thought was very clever. I hope the teacher thought so too.

This book was due Thursday of this week. My nephew, like any true American teenage boy started his Wednesday about 6 pm. My sister, my mom and I all helped but he really did most of the work. I think it turned out really good and he said the teacher said that she wouldn't change a thing about it, so hopefully he got a good grade.

Speaking of my nephew...around home and around us, his extended family he is very quiet and very...not serious like boring serious but not very outgoing I guess you could say. Well, I guess at school he's totally different. So different in fact, that he was voted the funniest guy in the senior class. On the surface that's a good thing, right? But it makes me a little sad.

Why is he so different at school than he is at home? And which one is the real him? If the funny one is the real him then why can't he be his real self around us? Or is he using the funny to hide the real him around his friends?

I'm afraid to say that I think the funny is the real him and he's not his true self around us. :( I wish I knew how to change that.

Blah

2010-03-17T22:23:00.002-05:00

I'm in funk. or I have a headache or both. I think it's a funk. Blah. BLAH!

A lily induced headache along with a certain adult male member of my family induced funk makes for a lot of BLAH.

No wait. I'm sick of this crap. I don't want to be in a funk because someone is a turd. Ha! crap..turd. yes, my inner 12 year old just giggled. Potty talk is always funny.

So sister is addicted to the laptop, I'm thinking. She is hovering around me like a vulture waiting for her chance to swoop in as soon as the laptop is left unattended for just a minute. Now she's giving me the side eye waiting for me to stop typing. Her latest thing is making cartoons. She's *gasp* running out of story ideas! She has been typing like a madwoman on the other computer writing stories. She's actually quite good in this momma's opinion. I want to get her stuff bound in to a book but she keeps writing and writing. I'm afraid I'll leave something out so I haven't done it yet.

But now she's shifted her creativity to writing and drawing cartoons on the computer. Something about a dog and it's owners. She thinks it's hilarious!! LOL She cracks her self right up sometimes :)

19 years

2010-03-16T15:58:00.003-05:00

Wow, today is our anniversary. Dh and I have been married 19 years. We now have as many married years as unmarried years in our lives. Does that make sense? We were both 19 when we got married so we had 19 years of not being married and now we have 19 years of being married.

Sorry if that's a bit goofy. Dh got me some very very pretty flowers for our anniversary. They are Stargazer lilies my all time favorite, but MAN! are they strong. There are 6 open lilies and 12 buds! Wow, they are very powerful and I've got the tiniest bit of a headache from them. Don't tell dh, ok? But I think the headache is making me a little loopy.

Anyway, what I was trying to say is it's my anniversary!! And dh remembered! And life is good!

My lid was officially flipped

2010-03-12T18:55:00.004-06:00

Last night I was making brother's bed after I washed his sheets. His room was such a mess, I totally lost it. There might have been some cussing. There might have been some yelling. There might be a cleaner room now.

Not my finest parenting moment that's for sure. Sigh.

The award goes to...

2010-03-11T23:00:00.002-06:00

All my loyal readers might remember last year about this time I was freaking out because I had to give some awards at a banquet on behalf of my place of employment. That is so not my personality but I had told my boss I would do it. I went alone which totally sucked.

Well, the banquet for this year was tonight. Again, my boss asked if I would go in his place. What could I say? Of course I went, but this year I took my family. Dh and the kids all went with me. What a difference!! I still dreaded going and got a little nervous before my turn came but nothing like last year. I was not miserable sitting by myself eating dinner. I didn't feel like a total loser sitting alone.

I had my family with me and that made all the difference. So this year the award goes to........my husband and kids! Thanks for going with me guys :)

Business trip

2010-03-06T22:31:00.002-06:00

My boss and I are going on a two day trip to see some of our customers who are too far away to come to our office easily. It's no big deal, we've been before but for some reason this time I'm really sad about being gone. We are leaving Monday and will be home Wednesday so I'll be gone from home for only two nights. And we'll be going to a big casino one of those nights, I'm sure. Maybe I'll come home rich!! But still I'm dreading it for some reason. I don't want to go away, I want to stay home with my babies! and my hubby! Waaaaaaah!

I'm trying to look at the positives. I'll have a hotel room all to myself. I have books I can take and read. I can stop and buy myself some chocolate that I don't have to share. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm, chocolate.

But still, I would rather stay home.

Harder than dieting

2010-03-04T22:23:00.004-06:00

I read an article recently recommending going 30 days without spending any money that wasn't absolutely necessary. It really caught my attention because I'm a big time impulse shopper. Big.time. I'm really bad about going to the store during my lunch hour and I seem to be genetically unable to just get what I went in the store to get. I send up spending at least $30 more than I need to.

Anyway...I decided to try it for a week. One week of not going to the store unless it's 100% necessary. It's been almost one week and I've only been to the store twice. The first time I had to get some stuff for work and I got that plus some cheese sticks for snacks. The second time Owen needed some glue sticks for school. I had $2 in my purse and a package of glue sticks cost $2. I walked right to the aisle, got the sticks and went right to the checkout. Yay me.

The one thing that is really helping is I've been bringing a book to read at lunch. I go to the park and read in my car. So I'm not bored looking for something to do, that helps a lot. I have to leave work at lunch, I can't stand being at work all day without leaving!

This feels good. It feels like I was in control of my money this week. I kind of like that feeling.

Wow, I really should check my blog more often

2010-03-04T14:14:00.002-06:00

I just happened to see my bookmark for my blog yesterday. Apparently I'm the most boring person on the planet. Even I don't read my blog! I got some spam in a comment on my last post a few months ago and didn't even notice it til now. That's just sad.

Revelation

2009-09-25T16:52:00.003-05:00

I've always said I wanted to travel back in time if I could. Any period of the past from medieval to Regency to the prairie days would be fine with me. I love to read historcial (mostly)romantical fiction. Amanda Quick, Julia London, Julia Quinn, Laura Ingalls Wilder are right up my alley. I can imagine myself in the time period living the life.

No running water? No problem! Plague? Bah! Strict social rules? Ha! Horses, wagons? Bring them on! I can handle them all with grace. Or so I thought until a few night ago when I had my revelation....an epiphany if you will.

Brother and I had driven the 40 minute round trip to town to get some fast food (yes, I'm aware if I lived in the past there would be no whopper). This is when I realized what would be my downfall and prevent me from going back in time.

It wasn't the fast food, it's the dark, man! One thing about me is I hate...no, make that HATE the dark. I cannot stand a dark house, it's 100 watts for me all the way, baby. None of this one lamp on in the living room crap, all lights have to be on. I realized that if I was to go back to Regency England there would be no 100 watts for me, it would be candle light!!! UGH, I couldn't do it. Even if my handsome price was there to rescue me...hmmm, maybe I could go back just far enough to hook up with Thomas Edison. This is going to take some more thought.

Fuzzy Caterpillars

2009-09-21T18:48:00.003-05:00

I noticed tonight on the way home from work there were several fuzzy caterpillars crawling across the road. And as my granddad Frank used to say...that's a sign of a hard winter. So I guess we'd better get ready! Maybe I need to buy sister some long pants, I don't think she will want to wear shorts all winter long.

Of course none of her jeans from last winter fit so we need to go shopping soon. A cold front came through today and it's pretty chilly out compared to what it has been. The high tomorrow is only supposed to be 66...brrr!

If Terri can do it, so can I

2009-09-20T21:30:00.002-05:00

Lately, I've been thinking of getting busy blogging again. So here I am!

Summer is winding down, we took the pool down today. And by we, I mean dh did 99.99% of the work and I came in at the absolute last minute and "helped" which seems to be our regular MO.

I've been picking a ton of tomatoes out of the garden. I made some fresh salsa Saturday night using our tomatoes, green peppers and jalapenos. Oh my heck it was so hot!! I had to add some sugar and a couple more tomatoes to try to cut the heat. It's still hot but now you can actually eat it without fire coming out of your mouth. It was nice to make something using our homegrown produce.

Anyway, I guess I'm back to blogging. The internets can breath easy again.

Recipe #1 of the Great Chicken Experiment 2009

2009-05-29T10:37:00.002-05:00

Crispy Onion Chicken

1/2 butter, melted
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
1 teaspoon ground mustard
1/2 teaspoon garlic salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 can (6oz) french fried onion, crushed
4 boneless skinless chicken breast halves

1. In a shallow bowl, combine the butter, Worcestershire sauce, mustard, garlic salt and pepper. In another shallow bowl, add 1/2 cup french fried onions. Dip the chicken in the butter mixture, then coat with onions.

2. Place in greased 9 inch square baking pan. Top with remaining onions; drizzle with any remaining butter mixture. Bake , uncovered, at 350 for 30-35 minutes or until juices run clear.

The great summer chicken experiment of 2009

2009-05-28T20:14:00.003-05:00

I recently bought a chicken cook book. As it sounds it has only chicken recipes in it...we eat a lot of chicken.

I told Mallory to go through the cookbook and mark all the recipes she thought sounded and looked good. I love this cookbook because it has a picture of every recipe...very helpful to someone like me.

Anyway, she picked about 15 recipes and we will be trying most of them this summer. She decided that we would go to the list after we tried them and mark if we liked them or not. :) means we love it. :( means we hate it and :| means meh, we didn't love it or hate it.

I've made two so far. The first one got a hearty "meh" from everyone! It was OK but not great. I probably won't be making it again. The second one got a huge :) "YUMMMM" from everyone. It was grilled chicken and it was so good, it was a keeper!

I will try to get the recipes posted later, hopefully by tomorrow. I will try to post the recipes and results as we go along.

Butterflies

2009-05-04T08:22:00.006-05:00

"Would you" you asked
and I said yes.
First touch, first kiss
butterflies
turning to heat
burning us with fire

"Will you" you asked
and I said I do.
Butterflies and heat
turning to steel.
Unbreakable

"Are you" you asked
and I said I'm positive.
New butterflies
bringing joy and fear
and love.

Not quite and other ramblings

2009-03-17T14:53:00.003-05:00

I decided I needed some changes around here. Not sure I like this look but it's better than the tired old pink I had before. I guess it's a work in progress.

I kind of fell off the wagon this morning..one foot was dragging the ground but I managed to pull myself back on. I was starving this morning and I was sure when I dropped my kids off at my parents that my mom would have something delicious for breakfast. Nope. Nothing cooked when I got there. She's always making stuff like biscuits and gravy or pancakes (bunnys with chocolate chip eyes for the kids ). Nothing done today. So I had no breakfast. As I said I was starving but I'd made a promise to myself that I wouldn't get fast food for breakfast or lunch. Sadly I had a breakfast burrito today. But! it was just a junior size! And I got a Healthy Choice thingie for lunch. I wanted to cave and go get a greasy cheeseburger but I resisted. Yay me. But I do feel bad about the burrito, but I was starving, man!

I could feel myself sliding down the slippery slope but I managed to hang on. I kept reminding myself that the scales show less weight than the last time I weighed, and I'm sure cutting out the fast food breakfast and lunch has helped that tremendously.

But now writing about food has me starving again. Frown.

I survived

2009-03-11T22:03:00.002-05:00

I did it, I survived the banquet. I went by myself which I hate to do. I hate going to the store by myself so this was a big deal. I got there and saw several people I know but no one I know well enough to just plunk myself down by. So I got my plate and tried to sit somewhere out of the way. Of course I ended up sitting right in front in a very obvious spot. Loser sitting alone. Finally enough people got there that they had to sit at my table.

A nice man and his wife sat by me at first then someone I know a little(a customer from work)came and sat by me. I was doing fine during the awards part until I had to pee so bad I knew I wouldn't be able to wait until it was my turn to go up front. So of course I had to walk in front of everyone to get to the bathroom.

I was still doing fine sitting there....thinking, Ok this isn't so bad I can do this. Then as it got closer and closer to my time to be in the spotlight my heart started beating faster and faster. It felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. LOL Then it was my turn. I knew the first person to get an award, she's a customer. The posing for the numerous pictures was kind of awkward. Then the next guy came up...I kind of know him, I've at least met him before. Again, posing for pictures was weird. I hate getting my picture taken and I hate fake smiling. My legs were shaking I was so nervous.

Being in front of around 300 people is almost more than I could take. But I did it and I'm proud of myself. It was good exposure for my work and also for me. Plus my boss really appreciated me doing it.

And the winner is.....

2009-03-10T10:01:00.002-05:00

Tonight I am really stepping out of my comfort zone. Out. Like in the next hemisphere out of my comfort zone. Not quite in to orbit, but close.

My boss has donated some money to buy/sponsor awards at a banquet tonight. It's to honor conservation efforts in our county. He will not be available to hand out the awards so guess who gets to do it? No, really, guess?!? Me!!!

I will be standing in front of who knows how many people shaking hands and posing for pictures. Oh my. Oh and shaking hands. That's enough to give me a seizure just thinking about it. The only saving grace is that I don't have to speak. Someone else will be announcing the names I just have to give the awards. Just have to give the awards, I make it sound like it's no big deal. It's a big deal to me.

I was going to say no, I couldn't do it. But then I had a talk with myself and thought Good grief woman, you are almost 40 years old!!! Buck up and just do it.

So tonight I will smile and shake hands like the professional I am. Ha!

Day one (or would it be two?)

2009-03-04T11:36:00.002-06:00

I have decided that I have GOT to lose some weight. I'm miserable. I can't walk with out pain and getting winded. I'm so out of shape it's embarrassing, really. I know I'm fat, I don't think I'm a blubbery mess or anything yet. I'm jiggly for sure, but I'm so weak physically I'm starting to get worried for my health and my future.

I've started trying to cut out the fast food which is a huge problem for me. I work out of the home and I hate packing a lunch so I just grab a burger or whatever. Besides being expensive it's killing my health......so I've decided to start bringing my lunch. Now, what I bring might not be the best but it has to be better than McD's, right? And breakfast at home too.

I'm not Catholic, so we're not big in to giving up stuff for Lent but I've done it before. So...I figure I'm giving up eating out for lunch for Lent. Giving up my bad habit, does that count?

I also ordered a work out DVD that I got yesterday. I did it yesterday afternoon when I was home with a sick girl. It was HARD. The exercises were not that hard but I was panting and sweating. Wow. It was bad. Now of course today I'm sore. Not too sore but the longer the day goes on the more sore I get. I have to do this, I have to stick to it.

Rock on!

2009-02-07T11:33:00.003-06:00

I'm sitting here in the computer room listening to/watching VH1 Classics. When did the music I listened to in high school become classic rock???!?

Ozzy, Bon Jovi, Ratt, David Lee Roth, Quiet Riot, Whitesnake. The big hair, the scarves, the spandex body suits, the even bigger hair. How embarassing it must for some of them to look back now and see what they wore and how they looked!

But wow, what memories. When Ozzy came on singing Bark at the Moon I was instantly back in dh's white truck cruising around town and out in the country, sitting in the middle next to dh, my butt vibrating with the thump thump of his huge speaker he had behind the seat. It would get so loud stuff would vibrate off the seat, it's a wonder either one of us can still hear anything. We would cruise the countryside listening to tapes and rocking out. What bad asses we were LOL

Rock on dude!! *making the rock on sign with my hands*

Woohoo! I've still got it

2009-02-05T12:23:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I get to feeling a little down on myself. I'm 37, fat and out of shape. Plus the whole ugly thing going on...so I worry. I worry that dh is tired of me. He's been seeing me naked since 1987... maybe he's done getting excited about that. I've had 2 kids, I have stretch marks and pooches where before there were none.

Today I am wearing a shirt to work that I have worn before. BUT today I'm wearing the shirt with my new-ish bra that really makes the girls stand up and be noticed. I came out of the bathroom asking dh if the shirt was too revealing for work. His vote was no. He liked the shirt. A lot. Woohoo!!

But now I'm sitting at my desk thinking what is good for a dh to notice might not be too good for the rest of the world. Oh well, it is my boss's birthday today...maybe I'll get a raise. LOL

Not that kind of raise....get your mind out of the gutter!!

The end is near!

2009-01-30T19:06:00.002-06:00

Repent!! The end is near!

I feel like I will be seeing guys standing on the street corner yelling at us to repent. There have been two, yes TWO earthquakes in Oklahoma this week!! WOW, that's freaky.

I can remember several years ago there was one and we actually felt it at work. It was wierd! It was only a 1 point something I think. THe most recent two have been small also, it's just weird to hear of earthquakes in Oklahoma.

Or maybe the fact that I'm drinking tonight makes it even wierder? *paranoid*

Busted

2009-01-29T11:23:00.003-06:00

Ha! The losers who broke in to our house have been arrested. It was a man and a woman. They are both being held for $100,000 bond. Obviously they had robbed more than just us. The deputy said they are suspected in robbing houses in many counties around here and even up in to Kansas.

The deputy came by our house Tuesday to show us some pictures of blankets that were found at the house. None of them were ours though. We were all home from work and school because of the ice storm that we had. When the deputy came over this time thank god the house was clean!!! Well, clean for us. I've heard from someone that knows him that he's a complete neat freak so he probably still thought it was bad, but for me it was almost spotless LOL.

Anyway, when he was here talking to dh, brother was fascinated because as he told me in a whisper "mama, I can see his gun". Then when I told him I thought that he had TWO guns, he about fell out of his chair LOL That boy does love guns. Everything he picks up he can turn in to a gun, which is kind of worrying in a way. I will fully expect dh to teach him the safe way to handle a gun when brother's a little older.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the jerkfaces that robbed us are in jail and I doubt if they will be getting out any time soon. $100,000 is a LOT of money, I'm thinking they are in for some serious jail time. Which doesn't hurt my feelings at all.

Mental Block

2009-01-14T09:51:00.003-06:00

Monday January 5th I got a call from dh. I was at work by myself and my cell phone rang, it was dh. He says "hey" and I can instantly tell something is wrong. I can always tell when he's upset on the phone and for a split second my mind races back to the day almost 19 years ago when he called me and says "guess what....my dad died today". I was expecting the worst.

It was bad but certainly not the worst. Someone broke in to our house and stole both our brand new flat screen televisions. They broke the window on our back door and got the door unlocked. They came in to our house and took our tv sets. The also dumped out a lock box we have apparently looking for money.....we have no money you idiots!!! We have new tv sets where do you think the money went?

Dh called the sheriff department I left work in a panic. My mind was racing...what else did they take, what did they tear up? I got home and the sheriff was there with dh. Contrary to what it looked like, they did not tear up the house. We managed that on our own. It had been a bad week and the house was a wreck. At the time I didn't care but looking back I'm horribly embarrassed. I just want to invent a reason for the deputy to come back to see my house clean.

As I looked through the house I kept thinking of stuff they might have taken. Two brand new boxes of checks in the computer room...still there. My digital camera laying on the kitchen counter that they walked right by.....still there. My kids rooms...untouched as far as I can tell. The Wii that was right beside the now missing tv......still there.

As we got ready for bed that night dh realizes........no blanket. Those creeps took the blanket off our bed!!

Even through all this I have remained really calm about it all. I have come to realize I have not let myself think of the actual people that were in my house. I don't know if it was one or two or how many but I haven't/can't let myself go down that road. I know my televisions are gone. And that's as far as I can go. I can't imagine that there were actual strangers in my house touching my stuff....touching my bed. Sometimes that door will crack open and all I can do is slam it shut again. Maybe when they catch the guy(s) (and they are well on their way to doing just that) I'll be able to process it, but until then I keep it blocked out.

Wednesday rant

2008-12-17T12:13:00.002-06:00

First off...cancer sucks. I found out yesterday that a wonderful man I know lost his 6(plus) month battle with cancer. Cancer, you suck. How dare you take such a wonderful man with his bright blue eyes and wonderful laugh. I always knew when I saw him I'd hear that laugh. I didn't know him very well, just through work, but he was one of the good ones. I pray for his wife and family, he was so young only in his early 50's. Fuck you cancer.

Second, people who forget to pay their car payments are stupid. People who forget to pay their car payments and spend the money before they realize WHY they had extra money are a special kind of idiot. Ahem.......not that I would personally know anything about that...nope, not me.

Third, I freaking HATE the cold. HATE.IT. I don't know how people live where it's cold all the time. And really in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't that cold here. In the teens with wind chills in the -5 range. But still....I hate to be cold, I get a little (or a lot) whiney and bitchy when I get cold.

I think that's it for now. I'm sure I'll have more things to bitch about later but those are the main one right now.

Oh......Merry Christmas!! LOL

Winter is in the air

2008-11-12T19:40:00.003-06:00

It's starting to feel like winter around here. It's been colder here the last few days, we've even had to light the fire place. When we bought this house we were both wishing it didn't have a fireplace, we never thought we would use it. But with propane getting up to $2.00 a gallon it's been a lifesaver! Dh had to go buy a new chainsaw this year and a log splitter. Yes, he HAD to LOL.

Never fear, he only cuts on dead trees! He hasn't had to cut any live trees down yet. I think he's been able to find enough trees on my dad's land so far. Dad has land with a creek running through it so lots of trees for around here. I'm sure to someone who lives somewhere other than the prairie it probably seems like we don't have trees, just shrubs LOL

What was I talking about???? Oh yeah, winter coming.

The time change has made it seem like winter too. It's pitch dark at 6:00 pm. I hate that part of it but when it's cold and dark it puts me in the mood to Christmas shop. I've actually started, I've got 2 gifts per kid. I'm not telling you what they are since I think sis knows the name of this blog and if I said what I got it would be the one time she would look! :)

Huh

2008-10-23T11:26:00.002-05:00

Wow, I haven't blogged since...what sometime in July? I just have felt it lately. There are tons of things I could have written about:

Summer vacation! (awesome)

Sister turning 10! (unbelievable *sniff, sniff)

Me turning 37! (woah)

Brother turning 5! (again, unbelivable...my baby is 5!)

Dh turning 37! (again, woah)

School starting! (I have a 5th grader and a Pre-K'er)

Strep invading my house and almost resfuing to leave! (f*cker)

County fair! (ribbons for me and sister)

Sister joining 4-H! (She's excited, I'm confused)

Sister getting two parakeets! (Snowball is white, Tweety is green/yellow)

Brother's amazing progress in school! (He's an awesome counter...all the way to 30 sometimes)

Sister's 5th grade stress! (Mostly of her own making, but she's doing great. She's getting a B in math, woot!)

Other assorted mundane everyday stuff in the Happy Town household, but who wants to hear about all that? Anywhoo....trying to get my blog mojo back. We'll see I guess. I know all the interweb has been waiting impatiently for an update! LOL

I like to start early

2008-07-22T11:43:00.001-05:00

Yesterday as I was making brother take his dreaded pink medicine (which in the past I believe he said tasted like ear wax) he tells me "thank you for ruining my life".

You are only 4 1/2 bud, I bet I can think of way worse things to do to you in the next 10-15 years. Look out.

Motherly reflections

2008-07-19T14:33:00.003-05:00

Last night as I was sitting at my desk playing on the interweb my ds was laying on the loveseat next to me watching cartoons. I was surfing the web looking for something interesting when I suddenly noticed the snores coming from my right. Ds was asleep, laying flat on his stomach, his chubby cheek squished on the cushion, his arm hanging off the side of the loveseat. I waited a few minutes to see if he was asleep for the night...he was.

So with the skill that apparently all mothers possess, I picked him up while he was still asleep to carry him to his room across the hall. He breathed deep and burrowed his face in to my neck as we walked to his bed, me struggling to carry a floppy 48 pounds the last few steps and carefully lay him down and get him in his jammies still asleep. He helped me even though he never woke up, lifting his feet and his little butt as needed before he rolled over still asleep.

As I was walking out of his room I thought back to the times over the last 4 1/2 years that I've picked him up after he fell asleep somewhere besides bed. When he was a tiny baby his weight was like a feather and I could cradle him in one arm. His little baby face fitting perfectly in the crook of my neck, a little slobber to mark me as a mom on my shoulder. Now when I pick him up his face still fits my neck perfectly but now his feet hang past my waist. It won't be much longer and he'll be too big to pick up at all...like his sister.

I remember when I grew up and was too big for my dad to carry to bed. I was heartbroken when that happened but it's nothing compared to the heartbreak of realizing soon I won't be able to carry MY babies to bed.

Oklahoma Traffic Jam

2008-07-14T16:01:00.005-05:00

As my two readers know I don't live in town, I live in the country. And I am so glad I do! But occasionally we will have a traffic jam and have to wait a while for the road to clear. Saturday afternoon I experienced a traffic jam, the first in a while I will admit. I was going to town because we were having a birthday party for my dad (who turned 70!!!) and I was out of salt! Can you imagine being out of salt??

I was headed for town and could see something in the road up ahead. When I got to the spot it looked like this.....

Then it got bad and looked like this....

And finally they decided to move on and it looked like this out my side window.....

Those are my dad's calves that had got out. If you look closely in the distance there is a little white metal building..that's my dad's airstrip. Yes, my dad owns an airstrip LOL It's a grass runway but small planes do land there occasionally.

How is this for weird?

2008-07-07T19:47:00.003-05:00

I was driving home from work today and noticed a car pulled off the road with a group of what looked like kids standing around it. As I was driving by (going about 55) it looked like a young teenaged girl laying on the ground behind the car! As I drove on I got to thinking more about it and realized that couldn't be good.

I turned around while I was contemplating calling 911 and drove back to the spot. While I was getting close I noticed a tow truck there and the car was pulling out in to the road. I guess no one had been ran over?!

I'm glad I turned around, it was making me sick to my stomach thinking that I might have driven by a bad accident and not stoppped to see what was going on.

Wierd. And it took me a while to get over that.

Mostly dry

2008-06-19T09:57:00.003-05:00

Last night we were out of pull-ups. Brother has never managed to stay dry during the night but last night we had no choice. It was late, we were out of pull-ups and I wasn't going to drive a 40 mile round trip to get some from Wal-mart. So I loaded up his bed with towels, promised him he could come get me and I'd go to the bathroom with him, left the bathroom light on and put 2 pair of underware on him.

He came and got me at 2:00, 3:30 and 3:36 LOL and he was dry every time. I woke him up late this morning because I got up late. He was wet when I went to wake him up but I kind of feel it was somewhat my fault for letting him sleep later than usual. I told him I was super proud of him for coming to get me though.

We will get there I'm sure. No more pull-ups!!!

And in other mostly dry news.........it didn't rain last night! The first night in about a week it didn't rain. We are no where near as wet as the poor people in Iowa and no where near a river anyway so no flooding but harvest is put on hold until the ground dries up. My dad tried to cut Sunday but he got stuck and it's rained everyday since then at least once a day, sometimes more. I hate to gripe too much because one day it will quit raining and not start again but dang it!! it needs to stop for at least a week or two.

Harvest is here!

2008-06-12T19:06:00.005-05:00

Harvest started today!! Woot! Brother was beyond thrilled, he told my mom "this is the BEST day of my life! Papa is cutting wheat.....it's awesome!" LOL I happened to be at my mom's for a few minutes today and saw Brother on the combine with my dad so I snapped a few pictures, here's my favorite. No the cobmine is NOT running LOL He's not driving!

I think I shouldn't quit my day job

2008-06-11T12:07:00.002-05:00

Dh and brother both really needed hair cuts recently, but our hair cutter lady was on vacation and she hasn't called me back yet, so they were both looking kind of shaggy.

I had the brilliant idea that I could buy some trimmers and cut it my self! Save time and money, right? The trimmer set was $25 so that would pay for itself in just a few uses.

So night before last we took the plunge! I cut dh's hair then brothers hair. Dh's doesn't look too bad, it's not as short as he would have liked but I was a little nervous since it was my first time and all. I think I will be better next time.

Brother also doesn't look too bad, but I did something wrong with the front of his hair. I can't figure out exactly what is wrong but it just doesn't look right. Oh, and please don't look too closely at his ears......one side of his hair is shorter than the other above his ears! LOL

Oh, well, at least it's summer and no one cares, right. And more importantly......it's not MY hair!!

Ocean

2008-05-18T19:39:00.002-05:00

There is an ocean on the prairie,
a sea of green with a barbed-wire shore.

Wind making waves roll and swell
and when the wind is calm you think
you could walk on water.

Watching the sea turn from green to gold.
Waiting for the day when the ocean can be cut
for grain to feed the world.

The ocean is drained to brown,
then replenished and we wait for it to grow and
be green once more.

Memories

2008-04-30T12:06:00.003-05:00

Flowers growing beside the road
at an abandoned homestead.
Bright purple flags waving
in the Oklahoma wind,
showing that once
love lived there.

The sight takes me back to
childhood.

To my grandma’s house where
she always had flags growing. I can
imagine the scent and I’m instantly at her
house. Swinging in the wooden swing.
Gathering eggs, reading the funny papers
with granddad. The sight of his dirty fingernails
after a hard days work. His denim overalls.

Grandma’s kitchen. The cookie jar that now sits
at my parents house. The ceramic pig that now lives in
my kitchen windowsill. My only physical link to
that time.

But the smell of of an iris always takes me back.

Alternative

2008-04-29T14:06:00.002-05:00

Sometimes a mom has to be creative, right? After we painted Sister's room it became apparent that her room was much darker at night than it had been. Before the painting her room was solid off-white walls, so at night it was not so dark. After, however, with the dark red and taupe walls once the lights were out it was DARK.

When sister was little she had to have a nightlight or two. Or you could say it was bright enough to read a book in her room at night. But now that she is a grown up 9 year old she has no need of a nightlight. Until now. That first night I realized how dark her room was and asked if she needed a nightlight. She replied in a small voice "no, I'm fine" So I said it was ok I could get her one. Ok, she quickly replied.

So I put one up in her bathroom so it wouldn't be directly in her room but still give enough light so it wouldn't seem she was sleeping in a black hole.

Last night I said, oh! I forgot to turn on your nightlight! She says...don't say nightlight, nightlights are for babies. So I said ok, I'll turn on your Darkness Elimination System (patent pending). And that was ok with her.

So...my daughter is NOT a baby. She does NOT sleep with a nightlight. She sleeps with a Darkness Elimination System. (patent pending)

My new favorite

2008-04-26T20:27:00.005-05:00

We have been working on sister's room. And by saying "we" I really mean "dh has been working and I have been watching". Ever since the disaster of the red paint I haven't painted a molecule of paint in her room. Dh worked so hard getting her room remodel done and it looks FREAKING gorgeous! I love it! It's my new favorite room, I told her we were going to move her out and move our bed in there. So here it is in all it's awesomeness. Dh painted both colors (before it was just plain off white walls) put up the chair rail and baseboards and trimmed out the windows. My mom made the curtains out of the pillow shams that came with the bedding set. Again, I did nothing. Oh and in case you can't tell, sister is just a wee bit obsessed with horses.

Arrrrrrrrgh!!

2008-04-15T07:27:00.002-05:00

What a fun day this is shaping out to be. It's not even 7:30 yet and I'm already ready to crawl in a hole and never come out.

Woke up to 2 wet beds which pisses me off like nothing else can. It just sends fire through my veins, I want to scream and cry.

Then I spent $20 on new pants for brother yesterday and of course he fricking refuses to wear them!! They are nylon wind pants and he doesn't like the noise they make. They "annoy people when they make that noise". He'd rather wear his old disgusting pants with holes in them. Every fricking pair of pants he owns has a fricking hole in them. Oh and top it off the store has a return for store credit or exchange only policy!! I should have known better than to buy those damn fricking pants.

I swear I want to break something today.

Life Lessons Volume 2

2008-04-05T14:36:00.005-05:00

More little nuggets of knowledge I have learned over the past week or so. An abbreviated version this time.

The first lesson is two-fold.

If you are painting your daughters room barn red, first of all don't under any circumstance hold the small container of paint in your hand and attempt to dip the brush in it. You WILL drop it. On the drop cloth that is being used to cover the floor. Which brings us to our second lesson.....

Red paint will soak through the drop cloth and get on the light taupe carpet in your daughters room. This will also be the time you discover your husband can run very fast to the kitchen to get the carpet cleaner. Resolve gets red paint out of carpet if applied immediately, by the way.

Third lesson.

If you are marinating an 11lb. brisket and realize your pan is too small and the meat needs to be transferred to a bigger pan, make sure you have a GOOD grip on said meat. If you don't you will drop the meat in the marinade. Splattering yourself, your husband and the kitchen in the process. Don't wear your favorite T-shirt from Hawaii while moving said meat.

Also, soy sauce and liquid smoke make for an interesting smell when splattered on your kitchen floor and dishwasher.

The end. Use this knowledge for good.

Summertime memories

2008-04-01T06:59:00.002-05:00

Riding my bike to "the silver gate" and back. Coasting down the big hill and struggling to make it back up that same hill on the way home.

Riding to grandma's house. Helping granddad gather the eggs. Playing with the baby chicks. Plucking chickens. Picking cherries off the cherry tree then pitting them in grandma's kitchen.

Wheat turning from green to gold. Waiting for harvest. Going with mom to take dad his four o'clock snack in the field. Playing in the wheat truck in a mountain of wheat. Going to my aunt and uncles for their harvest.

Dad burning the fields after harvest. Dad and my brother coming home black with smoke and soot.

Sweltering Oklahoma heat and how wonderful it felt to come inside an air conditioned house after playing outside.

Sweltering in my bedroom at night with just a fan. No air conditioning upstairs (or heat in the winter).

Endless summer days when I could just be a kid. Perfection.

Get along little doggie

2008-03-26T10:39:00.003-05:00

This here's the rootin'est, tootin'est, meanest varmit in the west. If you happen to see him be careful!!! He's armed and could be dangerous.

Would he miss me?

2008-03-19T12:21:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I wonder. If I was gone would he miss me?

Not the me who takes care of the kids, buys the groceries, goes to the bank, pays the bills.

But what about the me who asks for foot rubs I never get, the me who takes 3 hours baths Saturday night, who spends too much time in the bathroom, the me who rubs his back when I walk by, who asks how his day was.

I know he would miss the first me, but what about the second me? Lately, I really don't know if he would miss me at all.

A mom, a broom and a song

2008-03-08T19:47:00.008-06:00

A few days ago my Happy Town family went down to the local mega home improvement warehouse. My daughter spawn and I were looking at brooms and our son spawn and the husband were looking at lumber.

As I was checking each broom, imagining sweeping my beautiful with each one, deciding which bristles were the softest and least likely to scratch my beautiful new floor IT happened.

It, you ask? The speakers that were pumping in easy listening music to buy your shingles by came one with THE SONG. The perfect song. "My Girl". I was with my girl.

Yes, you can guess what happened next. A mom and her tween daughter. A broom and a song. My lovely daughter, my love, MY GIRL got a serenade from her mom in the middle of the broom isle. And she couldn't have been more embarrassed if I tried. I admit I got a strange look or two from the young mother on the other end of the isle, but heck, she only had a tiny baby. She'll get it in about 9 years when she's in the broom isle and "My Girl" comes on.

What is a mom to do? It's like an unwritten mom rule.....you HAVE to embarrass you kids, right???

Nothing you can do cuz I'm stuck like glue to my girl, nothing you can say can tear me away from my girl......my GIRRRRRRRRRLLLL, my girl.

Aw, fun times!! I hope it's a memory she can pull out and laugh about when she's grown and I'm old and gray. I hope I can look back and laugh when I'm old and gray, I hope I never forget all the fun times I have with My Girl.

Thursday Thirteen

2008-02-28T13:00:00.005-06:00

Thirteen things that are irritating me today.

1. Sister is still sick with the stomach bug she's had since Monday night.

2. Brother didn't have any clean jeans to wear to pre-school today. (my fault, forgot to do laundry)

3. Flat tire. GAAH!

4. Driving my mom's car. It's a fine car. A wonderful car, but it's not mine.

5. Brother is late for school due to flat tire.

6. My bank balance is lower than I was expecting.

7. My boss didn't sign my paycheck until after I got back from lunch.

8. The county was grading my road today. I had to drive on freshly graded road and I HATE that, I'm always worried I will get a flat tire, plus the stupid hump of dirt in the middle of the road.

9. My neighbor was checking on her cows today. She had her vehicle stopped in the middle of the road and didn't know I was behind her. I snuck around her....then she pulls over to the side.

10. I left my sunglasses in my car which is at my mom's house.

11. People who drive under the speed limit when the road is too curvy to pass.

12. Too much ketchup on my cheeseburger for lunch.

13. Paul Harvey's voice.

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It's done!! mostly

2008-02-28T08:02:00.004-06:00

We decided when we bought this house that we didn't like the carpet in the dining room area. The floor plan is open from the living room to the dining room and it had carpet throughout with no real dividing line between the two spaces.

But with 2 kids and a messy mom who is always dropping and spilling stuff we just can't have carpet in the dining room. So a few weekends ago we decided to put in laminate flooring. And it's done! Except for finishing the carpet where we had to cut it. Someone dh works with is supposed to come out this weekend to finish that.

So without further ado here is the finished product.......

I think dh did a fantastic job, especially since he had never done this before. Of course he couldn't have done it without my superior standing skills. I had to stand on the boards as he put the next row in place to keep it from shifting, so basically it was all me. That's right, just call me if you need someone to stand on a board and I'll be there.

Life Lessons

2008-02-22T10:09:00.004-06:00

Things I learned this past week:

1. If you are craving biscuits and gravy...go with your initial thought and use regular milk to make the gravy. Don't try the recipe on the box of sausage that calls for evaporated milk. (YUCK)

2. If you do decide to try the evaporated milk and find a can in your cabinet, always, always check the expiration date before pouring it in your perfect batch of grease/flour. If the evaporated milk is chunky coming out of the can and the date is 2 years past expiration....don't use it.

3. If you are standing in the bathroom putting extra rolls of toilet paper in the cabinet over the toilet always, always close the lid on the toilet first. Don't wait until you have dropped a brand new roll of toilet paper IN the toilet before deciding to close the lid.

4. If you find a super bargain on the Internet (thanks to Stefanie the bargain hunter!) make sure it's actually what you want. If you are needing a printer, make sure it's a printer, not a fax/phone/copier before you go ahead and order it.

5. Don't wait until your daughter is getting ready for school to determine she has NO clean underwear anywhere in the entire house. Maybe you might want to check the pantie situation the night before.

6. If there is ice in the forecast, you might want to go ahead and clear a spot in the barn to park your car or you will end up outside scraping ice off your car in the freezing wind and breaking your ice scraper in the process. Don't be stupid! You have a barn/shed to park in.....use it!

That is all. For now.

Homework

2008-02-14T22:56:00.002-06:00

I'm attempting to start teaching Brother how to write and how to hold a pencil in anticipation of him starting pre-K next school year. He's really interested and wants to do his "homework" when Sissy does hers.

So I went online and printed some worksheets, went to the store and bought him a binder and some pencils. We've been doing one or two sheets every evening and I can alreay see problems when he gets older! It's just tracing lines right now. We've done horizontal lines, slanted lines and vertical lines. But if he can't do it exactly right on the dot perfect everytime he has a mini meltdown! I have no idea where he gets that from? Maybe it's just his age? No one else in the family is a perfectionist like that, so I hope it's just a phase. Things might not go so well when he actually gets to school if he stays like that.

Please tell me it's a phase.

Angel of Mercy

2008-02-06T13:40:00.001-06:00

So. Yesterday my co-worker and I decided to give blood at the local blood drive. I hadn't given blood for over 15 years as the last time I tried to give it was not such a great experience. I got super lighteaded, had to lay down (with my feet up!) and I think they even stopped the donation before my bag was full.

But I figured what the heck! I'm older and wiser now, I can handle this. So we went over our lunch hour to donate. We each got out lovely stickers saying "Be nice to me I gave blood today" as well as a first time donater sticker. She got a little pin but I didn't :( I think the lady just forgot to give me one...oh well, I'm sure I'll survive.

So we are reading the required information and it says if you are allergic to iodine to let them know. I'm so glad I actually read that as I'm allergic to betadine so they used an alternate disinfectant on me.

The helper lady that was giving me my mini-physical takes my pulse and says "Oh Kim! Your pulse is 110!!!" My pulse is always high but she was freaking out about it. She took my blood pressure and then my pulse again. Blood pressure was normal, pulse was 94. It was Ok but she was still worried.

So I finally get up on the chair to donate feeling very proud of my self for donating the gift of life. The nurse sticks the needle in my arm. Have you ever seen the needle they use for blood donation? It's about the size of a toothpick so the blood cells don't get broken. Yikes.

So again, I'm up there feeling the warm glow of my halo shining bright above my head for my generous donation of a pint of my life giving blood when the lady at the door says "Attention everyone Suzie Public* is getting her 11 gallon pin today" Applause follows this announcement and maybe even a cheer or two.

ELEVEN GALLONS of blood this lady has donated! You can give every 8 weeks so if I'm doing my math right it took her 13.5 years to give that much blood. Wow!

*Names have been changed due to the faulty memory of the storyteller

This post brought to you by the letter "B"

2008-01-28T10:24:00.000-06:00

Brother has really gotten in to rhyming lately. He wants to rhyme words all the time. So I'll just throw a word out here and there.

Hey brother what rhymes with......coat? He answers boat!

What rhymes with car? Bar!

What rhymes with dad? Bad!

What rhymes with house? Bouse!

What rhymes with kiss? Biss!

See the pattern here!? LOL Every word he picks starts with "B". And if you give him a B word to start with he just looks like the gears in his brain are going to blow.

Although, yesterday he finally got a word that didn't start with B, so I think he's starting to really get it! I just love watching my kids learning and figuring stuff out.

Are you Superstitious?

2008-01-17T16:20:00.002-06:00

I was thinking about this today for some reason. Superstitions and all the crazy stuff people will do if they are.

Am I superstitious? My first instinct is to say NO WAY! But I thinking about it I realize I am after all. I don't do the "knock on wood" or throwing the salt over my shoulder stuff. Which shoulder is it anyway? And why throw it over your shoulder? But I guess I do have my own quirks.

For example:

If I have something at work that could possibly become a problem I won't throw any notes away that I might have about it. Sometimes I keep files out for weeks thinking if I put them away I'll jinx it for sure.

When dh's dad died I was wearing jeans, a red sweatshirt, white socks and tennis shoes. I would never wear that exact same outfit again, it just seemed too much like tempting fate or something I guess.

If I have something that is a potential problem, I make sure and not vary my routine on the day I have to face it. Especially my driving. If I have a possible crisis at work I will usually make sure I drive to work the exact same way as I do every other day.

What about you? Anything you do or won't do that would be considered superstitious?

My MIL's brother once backed up an entire city block because a black cat walked out in front of his car! Crazy!

*ok, re-reading my post, I don't sound superstitious so much as just sounding like a freak! LOL

Friday Photo

2008-01-11T14:14:00.000-06:00

Here's a picture of my church for my Friday Photo. My church was founded in 1897, so it's 110 years old! I love my church.

Here's a picture of my church for my Friday Photo

Thirteen things about......me!

2008-01-10T07:48:00.000-06:00

Thirteen Things about ME!

I realized I haven't done an "introductory" post about me on the few Thursday Thirteen posts I've done.

1. My name is Kim

2. I live in Oklahoma, just 3/4 of a mile from where I grew up.

3. I am left-handed.

4. I have had the same job for 15 years.

5. I've been married for 16 years (17 in March)

6. I am the janitor at my church and also teach Sunday School. And about to become the president of our woman's group.

7. I am on the school board at my dd's school.

8. I have 2 kids, a girl and a boy.

9. I love to read celebrity gossip blogs.

10. I loathe doing dishes with the intensity of 1,000 suns. And it shows. Don't drop by unexpectedly, please.

11. I hate being cold. I get bitchy and whiny when I get cold. It's not pretty.

12. I love to read.

13. I put stuff off way too much. Instead of dealing with stuff right away, I stew and worry about for days if not weeks.

So, there you go!! 13 things about little ol' me.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

Sigh

2008-01-04T21:09:00.000-06:00

You know you are boring when you get excited about..........

new toilets. and a screen door.

We got 3 new toilets for our house recently. Our other ones wouldn't flush right, turns out the part the paper went down wasn't glazed. So we got new ones.

And our new house didn't come with a screen door so we got one and dh put it on. We were both thrilled.

What have we become?

Ok, I'm in too!

2008-01-02T12:50:00.000-06:00

I guess it's my turn to write a "Happy New Year" post to all my friends that live in my computer.

I can't help but feel hopeful about 2008! 2007 was great to me on a personal level but horrible at work. Not because of anything that happened to me, it was just such a disaster year for the whole state (farmers), it was a busy and stressful year for everyone.

2008 is the year I get my act together! Like I said on Terri's blog, I want to get more grown up about my money. I am an adult and it's time I started acting like one!

*says the person who charged a chair and love seat yesterday! But they were on sale! and a year of no payment and no interest! And we will get them paid off before the year is up! Promise!

Whoa, got a little distracted on that point didn't I??

Anyway, I want to wish all my friends a very happy, healthy and satisfying new year.

If 2007 was not the best for you, I hope 2008 is better.
If 2007 was great for you, I hope 2008 is fantastic.
If you were hurting in 2007, I hope 2008 brings healing to you.
If you suffered a loss in 2007, I hope 2008 brings you the ability to smile again through the tears, happy memories instead of sad.
If you were struggling in 2007, I hope 2008 brings you peace.

Happy New Year!