Sunday, August 22, 2010

I miss him

I really, really miss him. That's all, I just miss him a lot.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


School is back in session here. The kids went back today and according to them all went well. I was a little nervous about them going back and having to possibly deal with kids asking them about their dad. Not that I thought any kids would be cruel but kids are curious and even teachers might want to give hugs and whatnot. But they both said the day went fine.

There is one problem for me, however. Bedtime. Lately, the kids and I have been staying up late. Very late. O usually fell asleep first then M and I would stay up watching tv or playing on the laptops until we, ok I, couldn't stay up any longer and then go to bed or couch. Well, last night M slept in her own bed and went to bed about 10. O also slept in his bed and went to bed a little after 10 when he got out of the shower. This left me at loose ends. I wasn't tired by any means and I hate to go in the bedroom unless I'm ready to drop. I went to bed because I didn't want to leave the tv and lights on in the living room and disturb the kids but I did not like it one bit. In fact, it was after 1 before I fell asleep and I had to get up at 6:30. That made for a long, tired day.

But yet, here I am again putting off going to bed. I hate going in there, even in the daytime but nights are the worst. Then mornings are the worst when I wake up. My SIL said recently about how she will wake up and it takes a minute to realize what's happened. Yeah, no. I wake up and the first thought I have is "he's gone". It's instant and constant and relentless.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

One month ago

One month ago today was the best day my little family had in a long, long time.

We spent the whole day together as a family. We got up and for once I didn't sleep til 11! I cooked breakfast burritos, we hung out together. The kids wanted to swim in our pool (just one of those blue pools like everyone has) so they swam. I decided to join them then Wes decided to swim too. It was a rare thing for all four of us to be in the pool together but that day we did. We played and had fun. Wes and I were flirting with each other like we always did, even snuck in a few kisses here and there.

Then we got out of the pool, got cleaned up and decided to go plan our vacation for July 23. We were going to take the train to Ft. Worth, stay a couple of days and even tour the new Dallas Cowboys stadium while we were there. We were all excited to be going to TEXAS, especially Mallory. She'd always dreamed of going to Texas :)

After planning that Wes wanted to go to a local Mexican food place for supper. This is a rare thing as Wes usually hated to go out in public. But this night it was his idea so off we went. This restaurant has been sketchy in the past but on this particular night it was delicious, the best it's been in a long time.

When we got home the kids were still in good moods, no one got in trouble for being whiny or threw any fits (even me). Owen went to bed when it was bedtime. I went and got in the tub for my standard Saturday night bathtub date with a book. Wes and Mallory stayed up late watching tv. I could hear the sound of them talking but couldn't make out any words.

Looking back, I can see how it was the absolute perfect day, full of family and love. Just the memory of it makes me smile.

Who knew that that perfect day could lead to the nightmare that was to come just a few short hours later. All day I've been thinking of what we were doing a month ago and how we only had a few hours left but we didn't know it. I'll think of how excited the kids were to get the vacation planned not knowing that we would never get to go. Or how Wes and I were sneaking kisses and touches in the pool not knowing that we would never get that chance again. We would tease the kids and kiss in front of them but if they only knew what we were doing when they weren't looking they would have really gagged :).

I love him so much and I miss him with every atom of my being. I'm so glad we had such a good last day to remember.

Friday, August 06, 2010

It's so quiet in here

The house is so quiet. Even with me and the kids along with my niece who is spending the night and the tv on a movie turned up loud enough to be heard over the very loud air conditioner unit. It's silent in here. So quiet, it's deafening.

It's like the house is empty even when it's full. A big gaping emptiness that can't be filled with anyone or anything. God, I miss him so, so much.

People say every that goes by gets easier and it might in time, but for now every day that goes by is a day that takes me farther and farther away from him. And that's so tough to face right now.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Feeling lost

I've been feeling weird all day. I finally pinpointed the feeling. Lost. Like half my body has been ripped away. Like I'm missing a limb. Lonely and lost.

I miss him so much. I lived with him in my life for 23 years and it's been 24 days without him. I think it's finally starting to sink in. First few days and even weeks I was just numb. I couldn't believe that this had happened. I still can't believe it. I feel like it can't be real, I should be waking up any minute and then I can cry and tell him about my nightmare. He can hold me while I cry and I can feel his arms around me while he tells me he would never leave me and that he loves me forever.

The more days go by the more I have to realize this is real and it's forever. God, I miss him so much. I love you Wes.